“This is clearly a sign the iBomb is ready,” said tech analyst Mykos Jones. “I have to say it’s a surprise Jobs would put advertisements up about this kind of weapon before it’s deployed, but then again he did invent that damned puck mouse.”

Sources inside Apple tell PTTBT the iBomb is a “wide-range RDF impregnator”, which uses a photonic burst pattern to distribute a synthetic version of Steve Jobs’ infamous Reality Distortion Field across several city blocks from single source. RDF is largely credited with helping Jobs create “Mac Zealots”, who often argue the merits of Apple hardware that does not yet exist.

Sources say once fully installed, a network of iBombs would create a “mesh network” which could “rid the world of Windows once and for all”, as well as convince Sony and Universal to put their movies on iTunes.

Although the precise delivery vector of the iBomb is uncertain, some suspect the actual hardware was deployed in the form of iPhones last summer. The reputable Taiwanese trade magazine DigiTimes reported last month that a major chip vendor outside Taipei recently “landed a contract to manufacture Apple’s next-generation of mind-control devices, which feature a shiny 27″ touchscreen and 16GB of solid-state memory”.

An Apple spokesman declined comment on this story, saying the company “does not comment on unreleased psychokinetic weapons” with an odd, vacant smile on his face.

“Obviously, we’re very upset about the mistake and are working hard ensure it never happens again,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior VP of worldwide product marketing and political assassinations.  “It’s really embarrassing for me, personally, because I usually take this last week to think of some genius marketing-speak to put in the press release, but on such short notice all I can think of is: ‘The new Mac Pro is the fastest Mac we’ve ever made’, which is utter crap since we obviously wouldn’t release something slower than the previous rev, would we?  I need a scotch.  Who’s up for some breakfast drinks while I try and think of something better?”

Sources inside Apple tell PTTBT that the announcements for the new Mac Pro and Xserve computers were supposed to be wrapped in Steve Jobs’ powerful Reality Distortion Field to make them more palatable to the masses, but the early announcement has left them exposed for scrutiny and ridicule.  Apple engineers have been flooding message boards all morning trying to play up the new machines’ capabilities, but face an uphill battle promoting things like 4TB of internal storage and 32GB of RAM amid a torrent of jeers about single-button mice.

“Someone really dropped the ball on this one,” said tech analyst Germaine Lowenstein, “I expect they’ll be trying to polish off some half-baked products in the next six days so they have something to show at MacWorld, like they did with the Apple TV.  I would hate to be in the Apple web department today, when Steve hears about this.  Ballmer throws chairs, but Steve throws people.  With his mind.”

Indeed, eyewitnesses report seeing four ambulances leaving Apple headquarters Tuesday, though it was not clear if the incident was related to the information leak or simply another culling of employees found to be reading Dan Lyons’ book Option$ at work.

An Apple spokesman said Jobs was unavailable for comment, as he was busy personally re-tiling the walls in the Moscone Center for “maximum karmic energy transference” ahead of “the ritual”.

“Today we are pleased to present HD-DVD-CX+,” said Toshiba America CEO Grant Morginson to a packed crowd of onlookers hoping to see a grown man cry.  “Our engineers have managed to cram over two hundred times the capacity into a tiny plastic cube, and still make it backwards-compatible with the dozens of players we’ve already sold.  I think it’s pretty clear who’s won the format war.  And it don’t rhyme with ‘pony’.”

The HD-DVD-CX+ “discs”, which are small black cubes approximately 1.6cm x 1.6cm x 1.6cm in size, reportedly have such a high capacity that they are able to hold all 25 versions of Ridley Scott’s masterpiece Blade Runner at a resolution beyond human comprehension.  Also, due to a breakthrough in the wireless HDMI standard, the cubes don’t even need to be placed into the player to be viewed.

Sony reps were predictably angry about the news.

“It’s a load of crap is what it is,” said Peter Moon, Sony VP of Blu-Ray Propaganda at CES, “Did you see what he had in his hand?  It was a pair of dice coloured over with permanent marker.  He just made it up over the weekend after we snagged Warner Bros from his rag-tag band of loser studios.”

Toshiba reps were confident that creative talent would flock to the HD-DVD-CX+ standard once its capabilities were demonstrated, including “5400p resolution” and “Dolby 99.5 3D++ Surround Sound”.

“Consumers are going to be blown away by the revolution we’re introducing here today,” pleaded Morginson to a group of skeptical reporters, “Or at least they will be, once we start shipping TVs that can handle all the quality we’ve… uh… packed in these cubes.  It should only take about ten years.  And a miracle.  Please buy our players!  Please!”

“I know it sounds far-fetched, but please try and remember we also made up Windows Genuine Advantage,” said company spokesman Jen Parbly, “We didn’t realize those three floors were unoccupied until Bill [Gates] asked what the hell was going on with the IE team.  For a few days, we were convinced we just kept checking in when they were at lunch.”

According to sources inside the company, after the release of Internet Explorer 7, a decision was made at an executive level to “start from scratch” to come up with a brand new approach to web browsing, including “taking a long, hard look at these things they call ’standards’.”   Unfortunately, the task of assigning developers to begin brainstorming was lost in the shuffle when it was discovered customers had realized Vista was really Windows 3.1 with added transparency.

To make matters worse, sources indicate IE Project Manager Marcel Duplessis had unknowingly switched to Firefox several months before, and believed “perfection had been achieved, so they might as well take a break”.  It was at his recommendation that the web browser team was assigned to other projects like the Zune, which analysts say “explains everything”.

At a press conference in Redmond Friday, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates pledged more transparency on the IE project in the future.

“We’re working hard to make it easier for you to see what we’re doing inside the company,” he said to a room full of tech reporters and programmers.  “We realize we can’t force thousands of companies around the world to update their entire websites to meet our crazy new code quirks if we don’t have half-competent monkeys learning what kinds of things you really can’t afford to have broken.  We haven’t done a great job recently, but we really do want to embrace you all.  Embrace and extend.  And then smother.”

“Against all odds, Apple has done something great,” said Martin Hyslop of the American Freedoms Association, “Rather than forcing consumers to download freeware to access their legally-acquired films on whatever device they choose, this new initiative will provide a new, copy-protected version for Apple products, for a nominal fee.  Nominal compared to the cost of the computer.  Or at least Macs.”

The Apple plan, which would see a new class of DVD discs sold in stores across the country, would include a second copy of the movie specifically designed to be copied to the hard drive of any iTunes-enabled device.  The new “enhanced” discs would be sold for an extra $4, and would eventually become the “standard” delivery method for Hollywood movies, not counting BitTorrent sites.

“It’s a big savings for the consumer,” said Hodgwin Pile of analyst firm Holt and McGregor, “It would seem like ripping a movie yourself for free would be cheaper, but if you consider that it takes at least 90 minutes to convert a DVD… I don’t know about you, but my time is worth $250/hour, so that’s a $371 savings doing it Apple’s way.  Even more if you factor in the legal fees of fighting a DMCA case for bypassing the copy protection.  Apple’s finally given us a legal alternative to enjoy our fundamental rights as consumers.”

Still, not everyone is happy about the new approach.   Sources inside at least two major studios tell PTTBT they will fight Steve Jobs’ proposal to the end, decrying what they see as “corporate piracy of the worst kind”.

“So what, we jack up the price of the discs by $4, and Apple gets $2 of that?” said Universal Pictures executive Jim Rubenstein, “We’re not going down the same road as those music dopes.  You want to do this, it’s $15 extra, and you get the same $2, and no more propping up your little iPod scam.  We’re not getting screwed, left begging for more.  That’s what writers are for.”

“All I can say is, the graphs got mislabeled and nobody noticed until this morning,” said company spokesman Mitch Reginald.  “No, we don’t have updated numbers to provide at this time, but we still stand behind the WGA feature despite all the negative press and customer bankruptcies.”

Sources inside Microsoft tell PTTBT that, in fact, the “Sales of Microsoft Operating Systems” graph was mistakenly swapped with the “Customer Dissatisfaction” graph before being handed to the company’s marketing department. Vice President of Marketing Phil Maxom, whose grasp of reality has reportedly deteriorated since joining the company in 1998, insisted his staff use the data as the “foundation of a new marketing blitz”, despite the fact that, in the words of one staffer, “the numbers looked about as likely as a Dell laptop outliving its warranty”.

Rather than showing that adoption of Vista has outpaced the growth of the worldwide PC market as a whole, the new label suggests that there are more people around the globe that are “physically repulsed by the mere thought of Vista” than there are computers.

However, some critics argue that the original, faulty graph may be closer to reality than Microsoft is letting on.

“I think it’s very likely they really have sold more copies of Vista than everyone thinks,” said Rashwan Meerkep, an analyst with Smith & Forrester. “I know I personally bought three separate copies before I realized it really was that horrible.  If my wife hadn’t made me sleep in the garage, I might have bought many more.”

As for how the clerical error happened in the first place, a confidential source inside Microsoft told us: “Rob was going to fix it before it went out, but he plugged in this new Logitech mouse, so Genuine Advantage wanted to re-authenticate, and then there was a WGA server outage so he couldn’t get access… anyway, once he faxes in his driver’s license, I think everything will be OK.  Sometime next week, I hear.”

“We here in Russia take pride in making the cheapest spaceships in the world,” said RFSA spokesman Yuri Gorganov, “but we do not see how we can compete with that.  They sell HDMI cables for $10, 12 feet!  No amount of vodka can make us price ourselves that low.”

Indeed, sources inside Russia indicate that, even using 1960s-era schematics and avoiding technological progress like the plague, there is no way the former Soviet nation can compete with NASA’s new partner for bargain-basement prices.  An early counter-offer to use Chinese-made plastic satellite casings fell through after four American scientists sent to review the deal fell ill from lead poisoning.

“We really do like the Russians, but we’ve got to try something new,” said Ron Alcock, Director of Cheapness at NASA.  “And when we saw that we could replace each one of our expensive Mars rovers with a fleet of 20 RC monster trucks, it just made too much sense not to do.”

But critics say NASA’s new “quantity over quality” mantra may get it into trouble down the road.

“What happens when they send up a satellite and it’s powered by a remote-controlled helicopter and two faux-antique telephones, and something goes wrong?” said James Lummox of the Lummox Group, “How are they going to explain to a farmer in Iowa or a single mother in Seattle that their lives have been pulverized by a sub-standard piece of equipment falling out of the sky?”

Despite the dangers, NASA isn’t worried.

“Oh, the chances of any of our satellites being able to withstand re-entry all the way to a place like Iowa are pretty slim,” said Alcock, “If you look at the distance from geosyncronous orbit to the ground, there’s only a 0.05% chance of any major loss of life.  I… oh wait, was that metric or imperial?  Can you stand a little over there?  You’re blocking the light to my calculator…”

“While it is true that we send a unique identifying number in queries to our SkyNet— er, central database — we do not sell that information to third parties.” said Janice Strong, VP of Apple Profiling.  “I mean, not often.  But if we do, it’s completely to the benefit of the end-user.  Whether they like it or not.”

According to information gathered by PTTBT, an elaborate algorithm records all web searches, stock market updates and weather look-ups made from iPhones, and uses them to assemble a profile of the user.  The system, originally designed by Google co-founder Sergey Brin, can then intelligently point the user towards things that will make their lives more enjoyable.

“For instance, suppose the weather in my area is pouring rain, but I Google ‘pasta restaurant’…” explains an unnamed source inside Apple, “obviously, it’s better for me to eat in, so the iPhone adjusts the search results to make it seem like there are no dine-in Italian restaurants in my town.  I’m forced to get delivery, and don’t have to worry about getting wet!”

Other “protective services” include disallowing buying stocks associated with SCO or Vonage, visiting Valleywag.com or downloading any music connected with Josh Groban.

Still, some critics are not convinced Apple is doing the right thing by tracking the every move of its customers.

“With this system in place, Apple could just as easily inflict pain as it could pleasure, if it felt like it,” said chunLi of the infamous group Hackint0sh, “I mean look here at this sample search for ‘apple corrupt’ I just did… as you can see, it… hey cool!  Heroes is on tonight!”

A spokesman for Apple declined comment on Hackint0sh’s accusations, warning only that “tin foil hats may interfere with the wi-fi reception of the iPhone”.

“When I looked at all the crap OSes out there, it made me want to vomit, frankly,” said Dvorak in a press conference from his garage, “So I hired two kids in India to build something better. And it’s the best $1.45 I ever spent, let me tell you.”

DvorOS adopts many of the most popular features of modern-day operating systems, such as a pointer-based interface, elaborate menuing system, and needless transparency and faux-reflections. At the same time, there are obvious differences in conventions: Apple’s trashcan and Microsoft’s recycle bin have been replaced with “The failed Quixotic obsessions of Steve Jobs”, with a little icon of a Power Mac G4 Cube inside a cardboard box.

Industry watchers are pessimistic about DvorOS’s chances at making inroads in the crowded operating system marketplace.

“I dunno about you, but whenever I see the letters D-V-O-R written in that order, I kinda zone out until it’s over,” said Reilly Johnson of the firm Johnson, Smoke and Donovan. “I don’t know how he’s going to get any traction when his name is in so many spam pattern matches.”

But Dvorak’s marketing plan takes customer apathy into consideration: to help promote his new OS, his slate of upcoming tech mag articles will have titles like “How Apple’s Tablet PC Bombed Before It Was Released”, and “Why Linux Zealots Make Me Sick”, but go on to tout the benefits of his alternative lifestyle. His editors at PC Magazine told PTTBT they don’t mind the deception, since by and large “readers of Dvorak columns just come to flame his article titles without reading the story anyway.”

DvorOS is available from Dvorak’s website for an introductory price of $145.99, after a 5-day trial period. The first 100 customers will also receive a complimentary copy of Dvorak’s latest book, “Why the Mac Will Be Dead In Three Years (30th Edition)”.

“There are only about 26 people in the country that still use actual computers these days,” said Hitoshi Yamada of the University of Tokyo in Yokohama, “You get faster broadband on a 4-year-old phone than on a laptop, so the reported numbers of 285,000 copies sold will not hold up for long.”

Indeed, sources inside the nation’s largest computer reseller, KompuKawaii, confirm that over 90% of the purchased copies of Leopard are being returned, as confused customers realize they can’t install the operating system on their cell phones after all. Many customers had been hoping to get pretty reflections and trippy screen savers for their high-definition 3-inch screens, and were frustrated to learn there was no way to squeeze the install DVD into the memory card slot on their mobiles.

“I am very sad that my phone is incompatible with the new Mac OS,” said Kenji Kochimata, 17, of Saitama. “I should have bought that second mech suit after all.”

Still, sales of OS X should still come out ahead of sales of Microsoft’s Vista operating system for October, due to the waning popularity of the game “Baka Frisu” (“Expensive Frisbee”) after unconfirmed reports that a player in Osaka caught a deadly virus after being hit by a Windows DVD.