Politics
CNN is reporting that Ron Paul has pulled ahead of John McCain in the New Hampshire primaries, and is expected to win the state’s 1.5 delegates in a landslide: “Returns are in from Gibbler’s Gob – New Hampshire’s most populous city with over 100 residents – and it looks as though Paul will finish the day with 85% of the vote.” Analysts say the turnout can largely be attributed to the recent endorsement of tech maven Kevin Rose, who is very influential in a state so small and cold there is little else to do but browse Digg all day.
John McCain won a key endorsement from the Association American Families Struggling With Bipolar Disorder, after “it became clear Senator McCain also suffers from extreme mood swings that diminish his ability to make rational judgments or maintain a consistent personality over a period of several days.” However, Fox News questions whether the association’s members can be counted on to feel well enough to vote in November.
Hillary Clinton, reeling from a perception that her teary moment at a campaign stop on Monday was fabricated, broke down at coffee shop in New Hampshire Tuesday, where she reportedly “beat her breast, tore her hair, and wept sweet tears of sorrow and fear” at the thought of Barack Obama winning the Democratic nomination. Observers say this latest stunt proves that the recent hiring of a lead Google engineer has indeed improved the perception that Clinton is in fact human, although one analyst suggested her handlers use less Shakespeare in the Hillary 3.1 software in the future.
Famed bittorrent ripper aXXo is reportedly the top contender to be Ron Paul’s running mate if he were to win the Republican nomination in 2008, according to documents obtained by PTTBT.
“Obviously it’s too early to comment on such matters, but I know the congressman is a big fan,” said a staffer who declined to be named. “None of us on the campaign would’ve been able to see Ocean’s 13 without him. He’s a swell guy.”
Sources close to aXXo confirm he is indeed considering Paul’s offer, and has gone so far as to put his charitable activities on hold while he works out the logistics of a summer campaign. However, many of his fans are upset that upcoming DVD rips will not be available with the same guarantee of quality. One web forum user nicknamed ‘dandruff‘ panned the move, writing: “Ron Paul + aXXo = lame saturdays. no digg.”
Rival candidates from both parties spent Wednesday afternoon scrambling to stake their own territory in the unexpectedly hot world of online culture: sources suggest Rudy Giuliani is courting “DVD” Jon Johansen, while the Clinton campaign is in heated talks with Richard Stallman.
“We look forward to presenting our vision for the future of America with Mr Stallman,” said Clinton spokesman Henry Moosepaw, “Though not in person, because dear god the smell might kill someone.”
Pundits had mixed reviews for Paul’s drafting of a pirate celebrity, with one Fox News guest suggesting “it will destroy his chances for the White House. This time for sure.” Others say the addition of aXXo could, in fact, help the dark horse candidate’s campaign, citing the effect of high-value “vision seeders” in ratio to “Democrat leeches”, at least in neighbourhoods unserviced by Comcast.
“Adding someone like aXXo to the ticket makes the race a lot more dynamic,” said Jason Nutmerg of Applied Corrugated Concepts, “But I do wonder whether those insipid vermin in Washington would tolerate his tireless work ethic and concern with quality. If I were them, I’d start releasing good torrents now, just so they don’t look bad when he gets there. And not C-SPAN like last time.”
Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.
Tony Blair earned a stinging rebuke from God Sunday, as the Creator of All Things publicly trashed the former British Prime Minister in his personal blog, noreallyimgod.blogspot.com.
“What, I’m not good enough for you anymore?” read an entry posted early this morning. “And after all those nights wasted listening to you whining on about ‘Why don’t people like me? Why do they hate me?’ Bah! Next time you ask for anything, I’m gonna go all 28 Days Later on your ass! Rotten little pissant.”
The attack comes after public reports that, in a BBC One program to air December 2, Blair said he feared talking about his faith publicly would result in the British public thinking he was a “nutter”.
“The ironic thing is, most people thought he was a nutter anyway,” said Sir Alistair Grimwald of Oxford’s School of Political Science. “If he’d come out and said it had something to do with God, I think we all would have slept better at night. We’ve had religious quacks in Britain for centuries, and we’ve had great practice shipping them off to America.”
Still, Blair insists that it was crucial for him to keep his affair with God secret while in office, claiming the public was by and large too stupid to understand that personal values and public policy need not intersect. In the BBC interview he said he feared the blithering ignorant masses would think he would “commune with the man upstairs [God] and then come back and say ‘Right, I’ve been told the answer and that’s it’.”
“In reality, the Prime Minister chose to commune with the man in Washington, and then come back and say ‘Right, I’ve been told the answer and that’s it’,” said Pattison Lewis, former assistant to Blair. “God did not factor into it one bit. Not directly anyway.”
For His part, God acknowledges that Blair very seldom took his advice to heart.
“It’s true, Tony never really listened to me,” read a second blog entry later Sunday morning. “I mean, I did warn him not to get into that Iraq mess, so maybe it’s best he didn’t throw my name about, else I’d look like a nutter too.”
In a hastily-arranged press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Bush announced he would ban Americans from growing skin, calling it “a moral abomination we can’t let stand.”
Sources inside the White House sought to downplay the policy change, which has been sent to members of Congress in blue crayon draft form this afternoon, saying: “He saw the news about turning skin cells into stem cells, and no one was around to stop him. Just smile and nod if you can.”
Still, there are some that don’t see banning skin as a bad idea.
“This is exactly what we’ve been waiting for,” said Hans McAnikal of the American Association of Cybernetic Aficionados, “The big problem with robotic hand implants is figuring a way to wrap your old skin around them so you don’t freak out little kids. If everyone had no skin, it would save me so much stapling, let me tell you.”
Scientists remain divided about how to react to the President’s announcement, wary of drawing attention to themselves over a cause he apparently feels so strongly about. They point to the case of Dr Alfred Mencina of the Harvard School of Environment Studies, who published a paper contradicting official White House policy, and was subsequently found full of birdshot off a quail hunting range in Maine.
“Skin is bad, and I can’t wait to get rid of it,” said Dr Wilson Triplehorn, a genetics professor at USC, “Someone get me a carrot peeler. And tell the Vice President I like his tie. Heh. Ouch!”
In an interview with the Council on Foreign Relations in Washington, D.C. today, General David Petraeus’s adviser Steven Biddle made a startling admission that puts the already-strained diplomatic ties between America and Europe in danger.
When asked whether he attributed the recent decrease in violence to what is known as “the surge”, diplomacy or just luck, Mr Biddle answered: “All of those things have some role but I would put ‘luck’ as probably the biggest.” Within minutes, White House sources were working their Blackberrys furiously to downplay the situation, even as Ireland recalled its ambassador.
“It’s disgusting that they would deploy luck in this manner, especially given their past human rights abuses,” said Hans Meier, an political analyst at the University of Bonn in Paris. “The use of luck in a military setting has been outlawed for decades, and with good reason. If we start using luck, what’s to stop the insurgents from using it too?”
Indeed, after the Portertown Convention of 1965, use of luck was banned in most countries, although the Bush administration has recently made moves that suggest they do not believe any events taking place in 1965 really happened.
The extraction of luck in large quantities has long been a source of unease, especially after Time magazine’s photo spread of a pile of squeezed leprechaun corpses outside a warehouse in Langley, Virginia in 1962. A transcript of one such session, which famously “broke the luck cartel”, read: “You’ll never get me lucky chaaaaaaaaaaaarghghghghghg!!!”
