“I have been more than patient with the fans, but enough is enough,” he said in a holographic conference with reporters. “How am I supposed to work as an artist when all of my best ideas are being traded around the internet before they even air? This is worse than when I let Steve talk me into casting Shia as Indy’s son.”

While Lucas refused to discuss which one of the photos, leaked to website worth1000.com, had made him so angry, sources inside Lucasfilm indicate it was the shot of famed British thespian Rowan Atkinson that caused the ruckus.

“It was his big reveal,” said the source known only as Kenny H, “He was going to introduce Leia’s homely aunt Princess Mogo as the female lead of the series, because she had such a rich and complex backstory that nobody had ever seen before, what with the Wookie cross-breeding and all.”

In fact, aides to Lucas say he hasn’t been so excited about a Star Wars character since he first imagined Jar Jar Binks in “Episode I”: “George is a real classy guy, but there’s something about short beady-eyed men in drag that really gets his juices flowing. Creative juices. Uh. Don’t print that.”

For his part, Atkinson was declining comment Monday. When asked about the rumours that he would indeed be playing a princess on TV in the near future, the actor stumbled about a hotel lobby with a paint can on his foot, got his tie caught in an elevator door and eventually had to be removed by police for wearing a live goose on his head.

Still, fans of the series remain cautiously optimistic about the casting choices Lucas has made. One poster on the starwars.com forums remarked: “I dunno, I guess I’ll wait and see how he/she looks in the slave costume before I make up my mind.”

“Meesa no likey dis idea, Prezzie,” said Rowland Yaman, Jamaican envoy to the proceedings in Geneva.  “I mean seriously, who talks like that?  I used to smoke up with Bob Marley, and let me tell you, even his retarded little brother Jango was more articulate than Jar Jar.  It’s a dumb character, not a shark-jumper.”

But critics say Jamaica’s alternate suggestion, Midi-chlorians, do not meet the required criteria of “people, places or events that take a beloved childhood memory and utterly ruin it to the extent that it makes one wish they had never born, inasmuch as to escape the horror of the wretched shell of an idea said memory has become.”

Leading the dissent is China, whose representative Xi Ling Bao argued that Midi-chlorians cannot be considered due to the fact that they were not simply made up to needlessly complicate an otherwise great idea.

“The panel must not consider Midi-chlorians for nomination because they are a real-world chemical in common use today,” said the 61-year-old bureaucrat from Beijing.  “I use them to clean my pool, and my nephew uses them in the paint at his toy factory.”

Analysts expect the ISJSO will not reach a consensus on the “Star Wars” issue this year, given the strongly-held views of the two sides.  However, this most recent attempt looks to end more civilly than the 1993 vote that ended with the expulsion of Finland from the organization, after tabling a suggestion that “the slave Leia costume was completely unnecessary”.

Hi guys, thought you might be interested in this.  Last night I was going to see ENCHANTED by mysssssister’s school, but must have gone into the wrong screen because after a few minutes, it was clear I wasn’t watching a movie about Disney characters come to life.  Unless that really WAS Patrick Dempsey crushed under that car… which’d be totally awesome.

Anyway, it turns out it was an early cut of the new movie CLOVERFIELD, which I was really pumped to see.  I had no idea what it was about, except that there was lots of screaming and yelling and a monster or something… and in its fullness, the movie doesn’t disappoint.  You remember the first episode of LOST, where Jack and Kate and Charlie are running away from the smoke monster in the rain?  That’s this entire movie, except it’s not raining.   And Charlie is a black woman.  And the trees are made out of concrete.

Where was I?  Right, the acting: since this is a JJ Abrams movie, most of the cast is from his other projects.  Greg Grunberg appears as the cab driver who gets splattered by a piece of falling debris (after mugging for the camera a little too much), and David Anders (Sark on ALIAS and Takezo Kensei on HEROES) has a cameo as a gay cross-dressing fire-eater with a lisp.  And be sure to watch for Michelle Rodriguez as a drunk driver that leads the monster on a wild chase around Manhattan!

But what IS the monster all about?  Probably the biggest failure of the movie is that they don’t really explain it, except to say “it is not of this world”, which is kinda a cop-out if you ask me.  The one hint we get about the monster’s motives (in an interesting blending if reality and fiction) is that it was a die-hard fan of director Matt Reeves’ old show FELICITY, and got really pissed off when it saw the ep where she cut her hair.  Hence trashing New York.  I dunno, seemed kinda weak.

Things really liven up towards the end when…

SPOILER ALERT!  SHIELDS UP!

AYE AYE CAPTAIN!

… the monster is about to kill off our heroes, but at the last second the smoke monster arrives from the Dharma Initiative, ridden by a revived Mr Eko, and they all get into a big tussle that trashes the few remaining buildings in the city.  I thought the ending was definitely lame: what are the chances any super-sized monster would like black cherry ice cream so much it’d swear off violence to get some?  Seriously, JJ?  What WAS that?

Some of the effects in the version I saw were obviously not finished yet, where you had crudely-animated Care Bears instead of people in the crowds, but overall it was very impressive and definitely worth watching.  I loved how they gave subtle hints that it was all just a dream, but don’t say it until the very end.  Best twist ever!

Anyway, if you have a chance to see this movie, you definitely should… best movie I’ve seen all year.  Next to ENCHANTED.  I love princess movies.

If you use this, call me JABBERMAN.

Thanks!

Lucas Tybalt

So there you have it, munchkins!  CLOVERFIELD unmasked! I don’t know about you, but I’m still pumped to see this, especially after the recent rumours that LINDSAY LOHAN is voicing the monster in the final cut!

Got a scoop?  Send’er in!

“It’s just one of the subtle changes to the concept that J.J. brings to the table,” said an unnamed executive working for Paramount. “Sulu’s a girl, Scotty is Swedish, and Captain Kirk is understated.”

Fansites have already erupted with fury over the news. While many have already vowed to boycott the film after news that the Enterprise would have racing stripes and ship communicators replaced with Motorola RAZRs, many see this as the final straw.

“Sulu is and always will be a dude,” said Gabriel Voss, 44, president of the Starfleet Fan Club of South Dakota. “I don’t care who this chick is or what she looks like I… oh, that’s her? Oh. Uh. Then… hmm… can I borrow this?”

In related news, you may recall we had the scoop a few weeks ago about TNG’s Wil Wheaton landing a role in the film as Wesley Crusher’s ancestor, Benjamin “Bit” Crusher? Well sources have sent us this production photo of Wheaton on-set, complete with Sam Elliott mustache, really looking the part of an infamous dilithium pimp. Lookin’ good, Wil!

That’s why it was especially shocking for me when I realized that the latest Rambo movie, “Rambo”, is actually an anti-war morality piece to a degree that would make Robert Redford blush. From the trailers, you expect to be going into a film about Rambo mercilessly beheading terrorists in a jungle to rescue American hostages… but what you get is much, much scarier.

The movie is set in a psychiatric hospital, where Dr Werner von Latchenhoser (a bald Anthony Hopkins with fake buck teeth) is trying to get through to his long-time patient, the disturbed elderly man known only as “John”. John doesn’t speak much, but has a predisposition to chopping carrots with a battered machete, in some ominous foreshadowing to a bathroom torture scene at the end of the movie.

The action comes in brief flashbacks as Dr von Latchenhoser helps John remember his past as a vicious killer in the jungles of Burma.  These are the scenes from the trailer, but in a slow-motion sepia tone with soft Vivaldi playing in the background.  Stallone’s reactions to these memories are some of the most moving elements of the film.  In fact, the scene when John is confronted with a spider –  and disintegrates into a mass of crying and screaming like a 5-year-old girl who’s not getting a My Little Pony at Wal-Mart – is one of the movie’s best scenes, and should certainly earn Stallone an Oscar nod.

But in a “Usual Suspects” twist,  Stallone (as director) reveals that the entire “Rambo” persona is actual a complex fabrication of John’s poor, demented mind.  In reality, John is nothing more than a washed-out sommelier who had one too many wine tastings before retreating into a fantasy world where he can kill people with his bare hands.  As Dr von Latchenhoser gets closer to the core of John’s psychosis, we are given glimpses into the origins of many of the key scenes from the earlier “Rambo” movies, most notably in a scene involving a raccoon, a garden gnome and a pair of jumper cables.

In the end, however, Stallone gives in to studio pressure and tacks on an ending that can, at best, be described as “X-Men”.  I can’t say more without giving it away, but if your theatre lets you bring hard liquor into the screening, take them up on the offer.  My particular test audience left shaking their heads; one man even punched the studio rep in the throat and had to be forcibly removed by security.

“Rambo” (alternate titles floated have been: “John Rambo”, “John” or “Sideways II”) is rated PG for mild violence and over-acting.  It co-stars Helen Hunt as Daisy, William H Macy as Oscar and Hillary Clinton as General Brett “Bulldog” Huffington.

Intrepid reader Mark J sent in this photo of his amazing hand-made paper rendition of the robot Blackout from Michael Bay’s “Transformers” movie. It’s amazing the level of detail that went into this one, from the awesome rotor blades to the expressive face that made Bay’s Transformers more “human” to his audience of mental midgets. Mark J also informs us he’s been hired to design all the bots in the highly-anticipated sequel, which should certainly result in a massive improvement from the first outing.

Below: “Sam pwns Blackout” … Shia’s never looked better!

Yes, that’s right. While the trailers may try and give the impression this movie is about polar bears and flying ships and witches, the real focus is on killing God, and a few Catholic bishops. Hollywood’s deception is understandable: would you go to the theatre knowing you were going to get 30 minutes of amazing special effects and battle sequences, only to be faced with 98 more minutes of Lyra sitting in a room debating theology with Christopher Lee? This is a movie that tries to pander to the thinking elite at the expense of the general movie-going public, and suffers greatly for it.

Nicole Kidman’s Mrs Coulter is both the worst and best part of the film: her lines are bland, her delivery wooden, and her development as a character is (at best) confused. However, when she straps on her ruby-trimmed shoes and provides a lively song-and-dance routine in the midst of the deity-dashing, it evokes all that made “Moulin Rouge” passable.

Daniel Craig’s turn as Lord Azriel is enjoyable, but brief (he appears in the first 10 minutes and then not again until the end credits, where he and Eddie Murphy do a hilarious cover of “Killing Me Softly” with Elton John on hamonica). Christopher Lee virtually IS God, so you feel bad when he dies at the end. It wasn’t until the closing credits that I realized that the armoured bear Iorek Byrnison was voiced by Richard Dawkins, which made the final battle between the Pope and the Panserbjørne all the more entertaining.

The special effects were good, if not great. The real credit should go to the animal trainers who were able to make those polar bears walk and talk and fight so convincingly. Not since “Benji the Hunted” have animals been so interesting on film.

Overall, if you are looking for a good movie to watch to brainwash the kids into hating religion and cursing the name of God and all that is good and holy in the world, “The Golden Compass” may be your cup of tea. Also a good break-up movie if you’re dating a Baptist.

“The Golden Compass” opens in December, or so we hear.