4 Posts by Skids
Video game hub IGN.com today announced they are prepared to terminate the employment of any of their regular reviewers, if it will please advertisers and convince them to launch a major campaign on the site.
“We don’t want anyone thinking we value our staff more than publishers,” said Jeremy Fulsom, VP of Client Relations for IGN, “We are fully committed to putting a positive spin on any game the industry stoops to release, no matter how lame. Why, just this morning I fired two staff members who failed to smile when I said ‘Halo 3′ to them in the hall. We’re that serious here.”
Insiders say the move comes after shareholders heard about how rival Gamespot fired an editor for giving a poor rating to the game “Kane & Lynch”. In emails leaked to PTTBT, company executives expressed frustration that their site “sucks up to game publishers so well that there’s nobody to make an example out of”, and demanded a company-wide plan to “give our writers just enough rope to hang themselves on a regular basis”.
“The industry is scrambling to catch up with this new trend,” said Marshall Newell of Yatsugi Partners, “Nobody wants to be the only publication that adheres to journalistic principles in the face of the almighty buck. The almighty buck can kick your ass like that genius monster at the end of Bioshock. What a game. If I ever have a kid, I’m going to name him Ken Levine. By the way, my site has lots of banner space!”
Still, any newcomers have their work cut out for them. Late Friday, a Gamespot spokesman announced that fired editor Jeff Gerstmann has had a hex put on him by an Egyptian shaman, and they expect his fingers will turn to sand over the weekend. In a brief statement delivered while shining the shoes of the CEO of Eidos Games, a spokesman for the gaming site told reporters: “We were going to let it go, but after we found out Jeff doesn’t like the best show on television, well, we had to damn his soul to eternal hellfire. NBC would’ve pulled their ads.”
George Lucas went on the attack Monday, vowing to find and prosecute those responsible for leaking top-secret production stills from his upcoming “Star Wars” series, to be released worldwide in 2008.
“I have been more than patient with the fans, but enough is enough,” he said in a holographic conference with reporters. “How am I supposed to work as an artist when all of my best ideas are being traded around the internet before they even air? This is worse than when I let Steve talk me into casting Shia as Indy’s son.”
While Lucas refused to discuss which one of the photos, leaked to website worth1000.com, had made him so angry, sources inside Lucasfilm indicate it was the shot of famed British thespian Rowan Atkinson that caused the ruckus.
“It was his big reveal,” said the source known only as Kenny H, “He was going to introduce Leia’s homely aunt Princess Mogo as the female lead of the series, because she had such a rich and complex backstory that nobody had ever seen before, what with the Wookie cross-breeding and all.”
In fact, aides to Lucas say he hasn’t been so excited about a Star Wars character since he first imagined Jar Jar Binks in “Episode I”: “George is a real classy guy, but there’s something about short beady-eyed men in drag that really gets his juices flowing. Creative juices. Uh. Don’t print that.”
For his part, Atkinson was declining comment Monday. When asked about the rumours that he would indeed be playing a princess on TV in the near future, the actor stumbled about a hotel lobby with a paint can on his foot, got his tie caught in an elevator door and eventually had to be removed by police for wearing a live goose on his head.
Still, fans of the series remain cautiously optimistic about the casting choices Lucas has made. One poster on the starwars.com forums remarked: “I dunno, I guess I’ll wait and see how he/she looks in the slave costume before I make up my mind.”
A meeting of the International Shark Jumping Standards Organization (ISJSO) devolved into a shouting match today after representatives from Jamaica refused to back a motion to declare Jar Jar Binks as the defining moment that lead the once-popular “Star Wars” series into mediocrity.
“Meesa no likey dis idea, Prezzie,” said Rowland Yaman, Jamaican envoy to the proceedings in Geneva. “I mean seriously, who talks like that? I used to smoke up with Bob Marley, and let me tell you, even his retarded little brother Jango was more articulate than Jar Jar. It’s a dumb character, not a shark-jumper.”
But critics say Jamaica’s alternate suggestion, Midi-chlorians, do not meet the required criteria of “people, places or events that take a beloved childhood memory and utterly ruin it to the extent that it makes one wish they had never born, inasmuch as to escape the horror of the wretched shell of an idea said memory has become.”
Leading the dissent is China, whose representative Xi Ling Bao argued that Midi-chlorians cannot be considered due to the fact that they were not simply made up to needlessly complicate an otherwise great idea.
“The panel must not consider Midi-chlorians for nomination because they are a real-world chemical in common use today,” said the 61-year-old bureaucrat from Beijing. “I use them to clean my pool, and my nephew uses them in the paint at his toy factory.”
Analysts expect the ISJSO will not reach a consensus on the “Star Wars” issue this year, given the strongly-held views of the two sides. However, this most recent attempt looks to end more civilly than the 1993 vote that ended with the expulsion of Finland from the organization, after tabling a suggestion that “the slave Leia costume was completely unnecessary”.
Hey kittens, SKIDS here. Nice to join the party… and instead of booze, I thought I’d bring an early review of the JJ ABRAMS-produced flick CLOVERFIELD, from avid reader JABBERMAN:
Hi guys, thought you might be interested in this. Last night I was going to see ENCHANTED by mysssssister’s school, but must have gone into the wrong screen because after a few minutes, it was clear I wasn’t watching a movie about Disney characters come to life. Unless that really WAS Patrick Dempsey crushed under that car… which’d be totally awesome.
Anyway, it turns out it was an early cut of the new movie CLOVERFIELD, which I was really pumped to see. I had no idea what it was about, except that there was lots of screaming and yelling and a monster or something… and in its fullness, the movie doesn’t disappoint. You remember the first episode of LOST, where Jack and Kate and Charlie are running away from the smoke monster in the rain? That’s this entire movie, except it’s not raining. And Charlie is a black woman. And the trees are made out of concrete.
Where was I? Right, the acting: since this is a JJ Abrams movie, most of the cast is from his other projects. Greg Grunberg appears as the cab driver who gets splattered by a piece of falling debris (after mugging for the camera a little too much), and David Anders (Sark on ALIAS and Takezo Kensei on HEROES) has a cameo as a gay cross-dressing fire-eater with a lisp. And be sure to watch for Michelle Rodriguez as a drunk driver that leads the monster on a wild chase around Manhattan!
But what IS the monster all about? Probably the biggest failure of the movie is that they don’t really explain it, except to say “it is not of this world”, which is kinda a cop-out if you ask me. The one hint we get about the monster’s motives (in an interesting blending if reality and fiction) is that it was a die-hard fan of director Matt Reeves’ old show FELICITY, and got really pissed off when it saw the ep where she cut her hair. Hence trashing New York. I dunno, seemed kinda weak.
Things really liven up towards the end when…
SPOILER ALERT! SHIELDS UP!
AYE AYE CAPTAIN!
… the monster is about to kill off our heroes, but at the last second the smoke monster arrives from the Dharma Initiative, ridden by a revived Mr Eko, and they all get into a big tussle that trashes the few remaining buildings in the city. I thought the ending was definitely lame: what are the chances any super-sized monster would like black cherry ice cream so much it’d swear off violence to get some? Seriously, JJ? What WAS that?
Some of the effects in the version I saw were obviously not finished yet, where you had crudely-animated Care Bears instead of people in the crowds, but overall it was very impressive and definitely worth watching. I loved how they gave subtle hints that it was all just a dream, but don’t say it until the very end. Best twist ever!
Anyway, if you have a chance to see this movie, you definitely should… best movie I’ve seen all year. Next to ENCHANTED. I love princess movies.
If you use this, call me JABBERMAN.
Thanks!
Lucas Tybalt
So there you have it, munchkins! CLOVERFIELD unmasked! I don’t know about you, but I’m still pumped to see this, especially after the recent rumours that LINDSAY LOHAN is voicing the monster in the final cut!
Got a scoop? Send’er in!
