12 Posts by Jake Purcell
Online collaborative encyclopedia Wikipedia came under fire Friday amid accusations a small group of editors have abused their authority and have broken many of the fundmental rules of the site, including a plot to rewrite history for personal gain.
“We have many documented cases of individuals altering articles against site policy,” said Elle Ellis, an investigative reporter for The Register. “Some are harmless, like saying Beethoven was Billy Joel’s piano teacher and secretly fathered Louis XVIII of France. But others are obviously untrue.”
Ellis says the most disturbing case of abuse was when senior contributor Stanislaw Van Der Meer edited his own write-up to suggest he was the nephew of Microsoft founder Bill Gates, and that he ran a charity to provide vaccinations to children in Africa. A link on the Wikipedia article lead to a PayPal donation page, where visitors were encouraged to “Save the Kids From Poleo [sic]“.
However, using archaic techniques Ellis referred to as “telephoning people”, the Register was able to determine that Van Der Meer is actually a graduate student at the University of Amsterdam, and acts as the Treasurer of an off-campus group known as the “Weedmasters”. When reached for comment, the president of Weedmasters told PTTBT: “Duuuuuuuuuude… your voice is so tiny, it’s like I could squish it under my thumb!”
The Wikipedia Cabal refused an interview for this story, saying only that they “adhere to the strictest levels of professionalism in the maintenance of Wikipedia, despite allegations to the contrary.” They also threw doubt on Ms Ellis’ claims by referring us to her write-up, which outlines her history of pedophilia, armed robbery and wire fraud convictions. Ms Ellis declined to explain the paragraph about her involvement in a sex-change doomsday cult in Guatemala in the 1990s, leading many to believe she is persecuting the Cabal for no reason.
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales refused comment on this story, citing “another IRS tip-off I just don’t need”.
In a startling development at this hour, former Gamespot editor Jeff Gerstmann refused to elaborate on the events that lead up to his termination from the popular games portal. It is the seventh time Gerstmann has refused comment since Friday.
“Jeff declined to comment about what may have caused him to be fired,” said Rick Mowton of gossip site Valleywag.com, “I think what’s most telling is that he has declined to comment seven times about the exact same subject. We, at least, are going to keep asking and see how long he can keep it up.”
Industry watchers say the lack of news on the subject clearly sheds light on the corrupt business practices at play, which they suspect (but cannot confirm) is largely to blame for nearly all 10-point game reviews from major publications, except when the games reviewed are actually good. Sometimes.
PTTBT will continue to cover this story, and bring you immediate word when Gerstmann provides another quote that says very little.
Environmental crusaders Greenpeace released a new round in their series of “Top 10 Polluters”, this time outlining the most dangerous artists worldwide, with fantasy author Neil Gaiman topping the list.
“While we really enjoyed Stardust this summer, it does not excuse Mr Gaiman from his sorted past as one of the world’s worst polluting artists,” said Rainbow Damacy, spokeswoman for Greenpeace at an overly-large rally in San Francisco. “If you look at this chart, you will see that he regularly employs highly toxic chemicals like determol tatamane, bi-chloric substrata and even butanic ratatolic dioximine. And that’s just before breakfast.”
Critics argue that the list, which also includes such names as James Blunt, Dorothy Parker and Michael Bay, has no basis in reality, and is merely a publicity stunt to garner headlines for the once-powerful activist group.
“I mean honestly, I don’t think Michael Bay can be considered an artist,” said Jeff Rubin of analyst firm Rubin & Dooby. “And Dorothy Parker’s not even alive anymore. I think they’re just trying to make a press release with as many famous people as they can think up. If it were real, why aren’t Oasis on there? They cause brain cancer after only two songs.”
Greenpeace denied the accusation, telling PTTBT in an email that “the science behind the list is irrefutable”, and is based on a stringent process of research and verification.
“First, we write an email that starts off ‘DEAR SCUMBAG POLLUTER’,” said a source inside Greenpeace who declined to be named, “And we demand they turn over all records of deadly chemicals they use in their day-to-day life. And like, if they don’t reply within two days, we make up a list of all the things they might be using… cause, y’know, if they’re not telling us, it must be bad, right? And then we put out a press release and see what they admit to. Some of those lists can get really scary, man. Especially if the veggie burgers in the conference room are stale.”
Environmental experts question the validity of the science behind the study, suggesting that perhaps “bi-dingolust triphate tetraoxi-dillidootyphol” is not a real chemical at all. But a Greenpeace spokesman strongly disagreed, saying: “Have you read Anansi Boys? I think it’s pretty obvious there was some kind of chemical influence there. And I want to know what it was. For… uh… science.”
Universal CEO Doug Morris found himself the subject of an investigation by the District Attorney’s office in Los Angeles after reports that he may have subjected his dog to cruel and inhumane conditions at the hands of an unnamed third party.
“We have mounting evidence that suggests that Mr Morris asked a cable installer to remove his dog’s kidney last summer,” said ADA Benjamin Islo at a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “The Comcast employee is cooperating with police and has surrendered his cable stripper, staple gun and twelve ethernet cords for forensic testing.”
While prosecutors declined to comment on the specifics of the case, a source inside the LAPD told PTTBT multiple witnesses are prepared to testify that they heard Morris complaining for weeks that “his dog was sick, and he didn’t know who to hire“, culminating in a shocking August afternoon that reportedly left a FedEx deliveryman and two maids into intensive psychotherapy, as the 68-year-old roamed the neighbourhood with a pair of hedge clippers, looking for someone to “do the deed”.
Morris’ attorneys were on the attack late Tuesday, defending their client against the “baseless accusations”.
“The truth of the matter is, my client didn’t know who to hire,” said Gabriel Mitz of the firm Mitz, Gilo and Moosepaw, “He wouldn’t be able to recognize a good animal-operating-individual if he saw one. Any insipid fool with a good bullshit story could have gotten past him… and tragically, in this case, one did.”
When asked why Morris did not simply visit a reputable vet to perform the surgery, Mitz replied: “Well sure, in retrospect that makes more sense. But he was in the thick of something new and unpredictable, and short of suing his local pet hospital, he did the best he could. Incidentally, he’s also suing his local pet hospital. College students are killing animals, I tell you.”
Morris’ dog has been placed with a foster family, and is expected to make a full recovery, although doctors expect his bittorrent speeds may be irreparably capped.
Tony Blair earned a stinging rebuke from God Sunday, as the Creator of All Things publicly trashed the former British Prime Minister in his personal blog, noreallyimgod.blogspot.com.
“What, I’m not good enough for you anymore?” read an entry posted early this morning. “And after all those nights wasted listening to you whining on about ‘Why don’t people like me? Why do they hate me?’ Bah! Next time you ask for anything, I’m gonna go all 28 Days Later on your ass! Rotten little pissant.”
The attack comes after public reports that, in a BBC One program to air December 2, Blair said he feared talking about his faith publicly would result in the British public thinking he was a “nutter”.
“The ironic thing is, most people thought he was a nutter anyway,” said Sir Alistair Grimwald of Oxford’s School of Political Science. “If he’d come out and said it had something to do with God, I think we all would have slept better at night. We’ve had religious quacks in Britain for centuries, and we’ve had great practice shipping them off to America.”
Still, Blair insists that it was crucial for him to keep his affair with God secret while in office, claiming the public was by and large too stupid to understand that personal values and public policy need not intersect. In the BBC interview he said he feared the blithering ignorant masses would think he would “commune with the man upstairs [God] and then come back and say ‘Right, I’ve been told the answer and that’s it’.”
“In reality, the Prime Minister chose to commune with the man in Washington, and then come back and say ‘Right, I’ve been told the answer and that’s it’,” said Pattison Lewis, former assistant to Blair. “God did not factor into it one bit. Not directly anyway.”
For His part, God acknowledges that Blair very seldom took his advice to heart.
“It’s true, Tony never really listened to me,” read a second blog entry later Sunday morning. “I mean, I did warn him not to get into that Iraq mess, so maybe it’s best he didn’t throw my name about, else I’d look like a nutter too.”
