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It may not have hit home yet, but the writers’ strike in Hollywood is about to claim its first real victim. And despite his past accomplishments in this area, it’s going to take more than Justin Timberlake to fix it. Yes, my friends: Sexy is going away.
Think of it: your average TV show is, due to government regulations, stuffed full of extraneous dialogue and plotting, when in fact the only reason anyone tunes in is to see good-looking actors pose jauntily for the camera. Some shows work hard to disguise it (Law and Order), some embrace it (Las Vegas), and some think they’re cleverly doing both, but aren’t (Heroes, season 2). But the fact remains: you can’t legally make TV without a writer coming up with a reason for Kate Walsh to be dancing naked for five minutes.
Now, because those very scribes are on the picket lines, all these shows have ceased production, and come January we will be robbed of our flimsily-plotted primtetime soft-core porn. What are we to do? Luckily, Wired magazine’s intrepid editor, Chris Anderson, has provided us with the ultimate solution: the Long Tail. And no, it’s not quite as dirty as it sounds.
The theory goes like this: your average episode of Lost (where Kate inexplicably strips to her underwear to perform some menial task like fetching coconuts from a tree) is at the peak of the graph, where all the “hits” are. This is where we are used to getting our sexy. This peak is going away. Forget about it. Move on.
Instead, ask YouTube to show you the Sexy Long Tail, and you’ll find gems like these:
Love in the Stone Age
It’s not the narration or the mind-blowing soundtrack that pulls you in, it’s the lavishly-designed costumes! This is what Al Gore invented the internet for! Oh baby!
Crouching Tiger’s Tail
This excellent montage demonstrates how the web has evolved from a place where you look at hundreds of pictures of beautiful women on multiple web pages, to a place where a select few of those images are chosen by a stranger and crammed into an over-compressed video to help heighten your enjoyment. If only ABC could learn to do the same, we’d have been spared Brothers and Sisters.
Coconuts
And what list of “sexy” would be complete without this gem?
Yes, the Long Tail of Sexy has a wealth of opportunity for those willing to sacrifice the odd brain cell to the greater good. Don’t take this strike lying down! Take it sitting down, in front of your computer!
We just got word from a source on the new Star Trek film that writer/producer/director J.J. Abrams may have been misleading us about the casting of Hikaru Sulu. Early reports suggested that John Cho (of Harold and Kumar fame) would play the Enterprise’s helmsman in the 2008 re-imagining… but if our source is correct (and she often is), Cho is actually playing the helmsman’s boyfriend, and role of Hikari Sulu is being played by Japanese actress Mao Inoue.
“It’s just one of the subtle changes to the concept that J.J. brings to the table,” said an unnamed executive working for Paramount. “Sulu’s a girl, Scotty is Swedish, and Captain Kirk is understated.”
Fansites have already erupted with fury over the news. While many have already vowed to boycott the film after news that the Enterprise would have racing stripes and ship communicators replaced with Motorola RAZRs, many see this as the final straw.
“Sulu is and always will be a dude,” said Gabriel Voss, 44, president of the Starfleet Fan Club of South Dakota. “I don’t care who this chick is or what she looks like I… oh, that’s her? Oh. Uh. Then… hmm… can I borrow this?”
In related news, you may recall we had the scoop a few weeks ago about TNG’s Wil Wheaton landing a role in the film as Wesley Crusher’s ancestor, Benjamin “Bit” Crusher? Well sources have sent us this production photo of Wheaton on-set, complete with Sam Elliott mustache, really looking the part of an infamous dilithium pimp. Lookin’ good, Wil!
Very few films of the last half-century have glamourized pure, unadulterated violence the way the Rambo series has. Its title character, John Rambo, has (by some counts) executed more bad guys than any other hero in the history of the movies. I know that as a kid, I had my left hand broken by a friend who thought he was Rambo’s little brother, so it has impacted at least one life in a serious, digit-busting way.
That’s why it was especially shocking for me when I realized that the latest Rambo movie, “Rambo”, is actually an anti-war morality piece to a degree that would make Robert Redford blush. From the trailers, you expect to be going into a film about Rambo mercilessly beheading terrorists in a jungle to rescue American hostages… but what you get is much, much scarier.
The movie is set in a psychiatric hospital, where Dr Werner von Latchenhoser (a bald Anthony Hopkins with fake buck teeth) is trying to get through to his long-time patient, the disturbed elderly man known only as “John”. John doesn’t speak much, but has a predisposition to chopping carrots with a battered machete, in some ominous foreshadowing to a bathroom torture scene at the end of the movie.
The action comes in brief flashbacks as Dr von Latchenhoser helps John remember his past as a vicious killer in the jungles of Burma. These are the scenes from the trailer, but in a slow-motion sepia tone with soft Vivaldi playing in the background. Stallone’s reactions to these memories are some of the most moving elements of the film. In fact, the scene when John is confronted with a spider – and disintegrates into a mass of crying and screaming like a 5-year-old girl who’s not getting a My Little Pony at Wal-Mart – is one of the movie’s best scenes, and should certainly earn Stallone an Oscar nod.
But in a “Usual Suspects” twist, Stallone (as director) reveals that the entire “Rambo” persona is actual a complex fabrication of John’s poor, demented mind. In reality, John is nothing more than a washed-out sommelier who had one too many wine tastings before retreating into a fantasy world where he can kill people with his bare hands. As Dr von Latchenhoser gets closer to the core of John’s psychosis, we are given glimpses into the origins of many of the key scenes from the earlier “Rambo” movies, most notably in a scene involving a raccoon, a garden gnome and a pair of jumper cables.
In the end, however, Stallone gives in to studio pressure and tacks on an ending that can, at best, be described as “X-Men”. I can’t say more without giving it away, but if your theatre lets you bring hard liquor into the screening, take them up on the offer. My particular test audience left shaking their heads; one man even punched the studio rep in the throat and had to be forcibly removed by security.
“Rambo” (alternate titles floated have been: “John Rambo”, “John” or “Sideways II”) is rated PG for mild violence and over-acting. It co-stars Helen Hunt as Daisy, William H Macy as Oscar and Hillary Clinton as General Brett “Bulldog” Huffington.
Intrepid reader Mark J sent in this photo of his amazing hand-made paper rendition of the robot Blackout from Michael Bay’s “Transformers” movie. It’s amazing the level of detail that went into this one, from the awesome rotor blades to the expressive face that made Bay’s Transformers more “human” to his audience of mental midgets. Mark J also informs us he’s been hired to design all the bots in the highly-anticipated sequel, which should certainly result in a massive improvement from the first outing.
Below: “Sam pwns Blackout” … Shia’s never looked better!
You may have heard about the new movie starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, called “The Golden Compass”. It’s based on the novel by British author Philip Pullman, about a little girl named Lyra (Dakota Blue Richards) who is given a mystical golden compass, and is sent on a long and dangerous quest to icy lands of the north to try and kill God.
Yes, that’s right. While the trailers may try and give the impression this movie is about polar bears and flying ships and witches, the real focus is on killing God, and a few Catholic bishops. Hollywood’s deception is understandable: would you go to the theatre knowing you were going to get 30 minutes of amazing special effects and battle sequences, only to be faced with 98 more minutes of Lyra sitting in a room debating theology with Christopher Lee? This is a movie that tries to pander to the thinking elite at the expense of the general movie-going public, and suffers greatly for it.
Nicole Kidman’s Mrs Coulter is both the worst and best part of the film: her lines are bland, her delivery wooden, and her development as a character is (at best) confused. However, when she straps on her ruby-trimmed shoes and provides a lively song-and-dance routine in the midst of the deity-dashing, it evokes all that made “Moulin Rouge” passable.
Daniel Craig’s turn as Lord Azriel is enjoyable, but brief (he appears in the first 10 minutes and then not again until the end credits, where he and Eddie Murphy do a hilarious cover of “Killing Me Softly” with Elton John on hamonica). Christopher Lee virtually IS God, so you feel bad when he dies at the end. It wasn’t until the closing credits that I realized that the armoured bear Iorek Byrnison was voiced by Richard Dawkins, which made the final battle between the Pope and the Panserbjørne all the more entertaining.
The special effects were good, if not great. The real credit should go to the animal trainers who were able to make those polar bears walk and talk and fight so convincingly. Not since “Benji the Hunted” have animals been so interesting on film.
Overall, if you are looking for a good movie to watch to brainwash the kids into hating religion and cursing the name of God and all that is good and holy in the world, “The Golden Compass” may be your cup of tea. Also a good break-up movie if you’re dating a Baptist.
“The Golden Compass” opens in December, or so we hear.
We just got word from a source on the new Star Trek film that writer/producer/director J.J. Abrams may have been misleading us about the casting of Hikaru Sulu. Early reports suggested that John Cho (of Harold and Kumar fame) would play the Enterprise’s helmsman in the 2008 re-imagining… but if our source is correct (and she often is), Cho is actually playing the helmsman’s boyfriend, and role of Hikari Sulu is being played by Japanese actress Mao Inoue.
