18 Posts by Damen Peamu
Technology giant Microsoft released a statement Monday clarifying an earlier report that suggested that their Windows Genuine Advantage anti-copying program had helped increase sales of Windows Vista.
“All I can say is, the graphs got mislabeled and nobody noticed until this morning,” said company spokesman Mitch Reginald. “No, we don’t have updated numbers to provide at this time, but we still stand behind the WGA feature despite all the negative press and customer bankruptcies.”
Sources inside Microsoft tell PTTBT that, in fact, the “Sales of Microsoft Operating Systems” graph was mistakenly swapped with the “Customer Dissatisfaction” graph before being handed to the company’s marketing department. Vice President of Marketing Phil Maxom, whose grasp of reality has reportedly deteriorated since joining the company in 1998, insisted his staff use the data as the “foundation of a new marketing blitz”, despite the fact that, in the words of one staffer, “the numbers looked about as likely as a Dell laptop outliving its warranty”.
Rather than showing that adoption of Vista has outpaced the growth of the worldwide PC market as a whole, the new label suggests that there are more people around the globe that are “physically repulsed by the mere thought of Vista” than there are computers.
However, some critics argue that the original, faulty graph may be closer to reality than Microsoft is letting on.
“I think it’s very likely they really have sold more copies of Vista than everyone thinks,” said Rashwan Meerkep, an analyst with Smith & Forrester. “I know I personally bought three separate copies before I realized it really was that horrible. If my wife hadn’t made me sleep in the garage, I might have bought many more.”
As for how the clerical error happened in the first place, a confidential source inside Microsoft told us: “Rob was going to fix it before it went out, but he plugged in this new Logitech mouse, so Genuine Advantage wanted to re-authenticate, and then there was a WGA server outage so he couldn’t get access… anyway, once he faxes in his driver’s license, I think everything will be OK. Sometime next week, I hear.”
As North America enjoys its first major snowfalls of the season, a rights group warns that schoolyards continue to breed a vicious form of abuse that leaves its victims broken, disfigured and alone.
“We are the silent minority,” said Susie Triball, president of the Snowpeople Rights Association of America (SRAA). “Every year we have reports of our members being kicked, rolled, tipped and peed on… and yet I have never once seen mass-media coverage of our plight. And that’s got to change.”
The SRAA has launched a campaign to educate schoolchildren around the country about the moral implications snowperson abuse, which the group estimates claims the lives of over 1,500 snowpeople each year. Pamphlets, activity books and t-shirts reading “Stick your carrot somewhere else” are being sent to schools all over the U.S. and Canada, but a planned “Snowman in the Classroom” program had to be cut short after a senior SRAA boardmember melted while chatting with a grade 3 class in Minnesota.
Despite the good intentions, some critics believe it is too little, too late.
“I understand what they’re tryin’ to do,” said snowman Jimmy 2-Balls from New Jersey, “But part of me thinks those kids just ain’t gonna learn no matter what we say. I mean sometimes when they go an’ stick snowboobs on me for a laugh, I swear I just wanna thumpity-thump-thump them in the face, know what I mean?”
Indeed, there are reports of a movement in the snowperson community, focused on burning bridges rather than building them. A popular song among the younger snowpeople, said to be more supportive of the revolutionary cause, contains lyrics such as:
Frosty the Hitman
Was a vicious, evil soul
With machete arms
And a shotgun nose
And a heart made out of coal…
The Russian space agency tried to distance itself from NASA on Tuesday, after reports that the American agency had signed an exclusive 5-year deal to buy all its parts from RadioShack.
“We here in Russia take pride in making the cheapest spaceships in the world,” said RFSA spokesman Yuri Gorganov, “but we do not see how we can compete with that. They sell HDMI cables for $10, 12 feet! No amount of vodka can make us price ourselves that low.”
Indeed, sources inside Russia indicate that, even using 1960s-era schematics and avoiding technological progress like the plague, there is no way the former Soviet nation can compete with NASA’s new partner for bargain-basement prices. An early counter-offer to use Chinese-made plastic satellite casings fell through after four American scientists sent to review the deal fell ill from lead poisoning.
“We really do like the Russians, but we’ve got to try something new,” said Ron Alcock, Director of Cheapness at NASA. “And when we saw that we could replace each one of our expensive Mars rovers with a fleet of 20 RC monster trucks, it just made too much sense not to do.”
But critics say NASA’s new “quantity over quality” mantra may get it into trouble down the road.
“What happens when they send up a satellite and it’s powered by a remote-controlled helicopter and two faux-antique telephones, and something goes wrong?” said James Lummox of the Lummox Group, “How are they going to explain to a farmer in Iowa or a single mother in Seattle that their lives have been pulverized by a sub-standard piece of equipment falling out of the sky?”
Despite the dangers, NASA isn’t worried.
“Oh, the chances of any of our satellites being able to withstand re-entry all the way to a place like Iowa are pretty slim,” said Alcock, “If you look at the distance from geosyncronous orbit to the ground, there’s only a 0.05% chance of any major loss of life. I… oh wait, was that metric or imperial? Can you stand a little over there? You’re blocking the light to my calculator…”
Computer-maker Apple today admitted to collecting personal information about users of its popular iPhone, but insisted that it was doing so only to help prolong and improve the life of its customers.
“While it is true that we send a unique identifying number in queries to our SkyNet— er, central database — we do not sell that information to third parties.” said Janice Strong, VP of Apple Profiling. “I mean, not often. But if we do, it’s completely to the benefit of the end-user. Whether they like it or not.”
According to information gathered by PTTBT, an elaborate algorithm records all web searches, stock market updates and weather look-ups made from iPhones, and uses them to assemble a profile of the user. The system, originally designed by Google co-founder Sergey Brin, can then intelligently point the user towards things that will make their lives more enjoyable.
“For instance, suppose the weather in my area is pouring rain, but I Google ‘pasta restaurant’…” explains an unnamed source inside Apple, “obviously, it’s better for me to eat in, so the iPhone adjusts the search results to make it seem like there are no dine-in Italian restaurants in my town. I’m forced to get delivery, and don’t have to worry about getting wet!”
Other “protective services” include disallowing buying stocks associated with SCO or Vonage, visiting Valleywag.com or downloading any music connected with Josh Groban.
Still, some critics are not convinced Apple is doing the right thing by tracking the every move of its customers.
“With this system in place, Apple could just as easily inflict pain as it could pleasure, if it felt like it,” said chunLi of the infamous group Hackint0sh, “I mean look here at this sample search for ‘apple corrupt’ I just did… as you can see, it… hey cool! Heroes is on tonight!”
A spokesman for Apple declined comment on Hackint0sh’s accusations, warning only that “tin foil hats may interfere with the wi-fi reception of the iPhone”.
Tech columnist John C. Dvorak unveiled a new computer operating system today, as an option for users who feel shunned by Windows, Mac and Linux alternatives. Dubbed “DvorOS“, the software is built on a mixture of Assembly, AJAX and Hypercard, and can be run on any digital device from top-of-the-line Dells to rice cookers.
“When I looked at all the crap OSes out there, it made me want to vomit, frankly,” said Dvorak in a press conference from his garage, “So I hired two kids in India to build something better. And it’s the best $1.45 I ever spent, let me tell you.”
DvorOS adopts many of the most popular features of modern-day operating systems, such as a pointer-based interface, elaborate menuing system, and needless transparency and faux-reflections. At the same time, there are obvious differences in conventions: Apple’s trashcan and Microsoft’s recycle bin have been replaced with “The failed Quixotic obsessions of Steve Jobs”, with a little icon of a Power Mac G4 Cube inside a cardboard box.
Industry watchers are pessimistic about DvorOS’s chances at making inroads in the crowded operating system marketplace.
“I dunno about you, but whenever I see the letters D-V-O-R written in that order, I kinda zone out until it’s over,” said Reilly Johnson of the firm Johnson, Smoke and Donovan. “I don’t know how he’s going to get any traction when his name is in so many spam pattern matches.”
But Dvorak’s marketing plan takes customer apathy into consideration: to help promote his new OS, his slate of upcoming tech mag articles will have titles like “How Apple’s Tablet PC Bombed Before It Was Released”, and “Why Linux Zealots Make Me Sick”, but go on to tout the benefits of his alternative lifestyle. His editors at PC Magazine told PTTBT they don’t mind the deception, since by and large “readers of Dvorak columns just come to flame his article titles without reading the story anyway.”
DvorOS is available from Dvorak’s website for an introductory price of $145.99, after a 5-day trial period. The first 100 customers will also receive a complimentary copy of Dvorak’s latest book, “Why the Mac Will Be Dead In Three Years (30th Edition)”.
