Based on previous experience, this page will likely not update in your RSS feeds, so be sure to visit the site and reload every few minutes to catch the latest and greatest news.  Unlike lamer sites like MacRumors and Engadget, we won’t lie to you about what really transpires, like last January when they all refused to post those pics of Jobs dancing the Macarena in his Swedish jumpsuit.  Censorship has many faces, folks.

9:06: Gizmodo is walking up and down the line telling people there’s been a mixup, and WWDC is being held in NYC this year.  Lots of cursing and people packing up to leave.  Walt Mossberg is weeping loudly.

9:15: Some kid just came crashing through the plate glass window at the Moscone Center carrying a cardboard box decked out with Apple logos, screaming “IT’S HERE!  IT’S HERE!  REJOICE!” before getting tasered and dragged back inside.

9:20: Word is, the box was a decoy.  Apple security just informed us they are interrogating “the mole”, and will “find out who he works for eventually.”  I can’t tell if he wants someone to cop to it, or he’s just trying to thin the line some more.

9:23: Starting to move inside.  Security is bigger than last time.  Scoble is refusing to be strip-searched unless he’s paid first.

9:30: engaget startda drinkig game afew mins ago fr evry time somone sez “iPhone” in line.  lolz!

9:32: Whymi the only playig te game guys?!?!!11!1

9:45: At the closed gates of Mordor waiting to be let in.  It’s funny how many of the press look like Uruk-hai, too.

9:52: We’re in, and PTTBT has taken their seats onstage next to Steve’s computer.  Best seats in the house, baby!

9:54: F**king lying scalpers.  Sigh.  Back to sit with the proles.

9:56: MacRumors team just sat down right in front of us, and they’re not even slouching a bit.  Expect chewing gum spitballs in the backs of your heads, fellas.

9:58: Al Gore just signed my iPhone, which is nice, but I was really trying to get him to buy it.  Sigh.

10:02: Is that Bono over there?  I swear that’s Bono on the far left side of the front row…

10:03: Ha ha, made ya look, Macrumors!

10:04: Just got told to turn off cellphones, iPhones and other communications devices.  Audience had a good laugh.

10:06: Crowd still not settled.  Shiny aluminum cattle prods are being brandished.

10:07: His Steveness takes the stage.  Doves flutter into the sky.

10:07: “We’ve been working really hard on some great stuff that you’ll never live to see.”

10:08: 52,000 attendees at WWDC.  4 of them have girlfriends.

10:09: 3 parts to Apple now.  Mac, iPod and iPhone.  Guy in back yells “Get on with it!” and is quietly dragged away.

10:10: iPhone 2.0 a great success.  95 million people in beta program, most of whom can’t actually afford iPhones.

10:12: iPhone now has push email support, meaning you will never escape the office ever again.  Apple employees weeping backstage.

10:13: 35% of Fortune 500 participated in beta program for Enterprise.  99% of them only did so because the CEO wanted a free iPhone.

10:15: Higher education participated too, allowing profs to further distance themselves from their students while charging top-dollar.  Steve demonstrates auto-reply feature with Harvard “I don’t know.  Go look it up” message.  Snazzy.

10:16: Various CTOs talking about how amazing it is to see contact lists filter as you type.  They all appear to be reading from a script.  One of them has electrodes taped to his neck.

10:17: Steve has retaken the stage, but his light saber was damaged in the assault.

10:18: Talking about the iPhone’s Core OS: uses the same core as Mac OS X, meaning it should run on shady 3rd-party PCs by July.

10:20: UI builder makes interfaces a breeze, so long as they conform to the strict standards laid out by Jobs.  Demonstrates “bad design” error, which wipes developers’ hard drives as punishment.

10:22: Core Location API allows apps to determine where you are.  Demos app that makes the screen go more and more grayscale as you get further away from your local Apple Store.

10:23: Building a UI by dragging and dropping elements.  Seems to be making some kind of notepad program.  Scoble swoons.

10:26: Reading quotes from developers who say how great the SDK is.  Good to see Fred Flinstone still working after all these years.

10:28: Inviting a number of developers onstage to demo their apps.  First is a guy named Jason who has made what he calls the best game ever.

10:29: It’s Lemmings! The fool ported Lemmings to the iPhone!  This is just great, now I’ll NEVER get any work done.

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10:32: Sega demonstrated Super Monkey Ball with tilt action.  Dropped iPhone on the ground during demo, and Steve started wailing on him with a baseball bat.  Apple employees are cleaning up the mess.

10:34: Next up, eBay.  Demonstrates how new app lets you add or bid on auctions.  eBay employee demonstrates editing existing auctions and… wait, he’s been selling iPhone GPS handsets?!

10:35: His calls for mercy fall upon deaf ears.  Steve’s RDF mindpowers throw him off the stage!  The crowd cheers, but does not exactly know why!

10:36: Next up: Loopt.  Obviously a web 2.0 company.  Steve jokes they should try using the built-in spell-checker API before starting any more companies.

10:37: Allows users to harass their friends using their iPhones using geo-location tools.  “Like Facebook, only more annoying”.  (“Impossible!” replies the audience)

10:38: Next up:  Typepad.  Can update people on your status right from your iPhone and—

10:39: Steve shoos him off the stage.  “I thought you guys were from Twitter.  Who uses blogs anymore?  God damn hippies…”

10:40: Next up: AP (Associated Press): “Uh.  I… I don’t have anything to show.  I think I was in the wrong line up.  Nice work, Steve!  Hi everybody!”

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10:44: MacRumors guys: please don’t eat garlic so early in the morning, mkay?

10:46: Next up: a racing game for iPhone.  Turn the phone to steer the car.  Developer gives iPhone to Steve to try, but Steve refuses, saying “Jesus Christ, man, when you turn the wheel in your car, does your entire world shift sideways?  Does it?  What kind of crap is this?  Who let you on my stage?  Get out of here!  Go!”

10:48: Apparently we are going to get a preview of every one of the 45,000 new apps that have been developed for the iPhone.  Right now: a lonely developer from the UK who made a program to keep track of where you left your paperclips.

10:49: Ryan Block coughed “hurry up!” at the top of his lungs.  Nervous laughter from the crowd.

10:51: Now MLB.com, so you can get live, detailed stats on the slowest sport in the history of mankind.

10:53: Apple employees are handing out pillows and little blankets to help us through the rest of the keynote.

10:54: Apple’s stock is down $5 since the start of the keynote as traders watching in start to fall asleep and/or go into comas.

10:56: Demoing medical-based app for testing heart rate and brain function.  App immediately warns: “Prolonged exposure to iPhone demos may result in irreversible brain damage!”  Too little, too late, my friend.

10:58: Word is, Steve got bored and went home for the day.

10:59: Last demo comes from Digital Legends, which is a game.  They start playing it, and within 30 seconds the battery warning goes off.  Laughter from the crowd.  “We were waiting a damn long time to start this demo!” developer explains.

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11:02: #1 request has been for background support.  Bad idea.  Would drain batteries and cause cancer.

11:03: Like Windows Mobile.

11:04: Better idea.  Real, asynchronous, simulated background process reporting!  Makes it appear as if your app is working in the background whenever you check on it!

11:05: Enthusiastic cheering from the press in the audience.  Tepid applause from those who actually code.

11:06: Functionality won’t be available until September, “but it’s not like anybody important cares about that stuff anyway.”

11:07: Steve has retaken the stage in a stunningly graceful kung fu move that would make Bruce Lee weep.

11:08: Steve is back!  And… and… giving us a recap of all the demos we just saw.

11:08: The Gizmodo crew have started convulsing.

11:09: Asian character support added at the request of the Otaku Association of America.  “It was just too damn hard to write ‘kawaii~!’ on the old version”.

11:10: iPhone 2.0 will be available in July.  Free to iPhone users.  iPod Touch users pay $9.99, gradually making their purchases less and less sensible when stacked against just ponying up the extra $50 for an iPhone.

11:12: App Store available in 62 countries, giving developers 70% of revenue after expenses and deductions.

11:13: Enterprises can distribute packages to their special iPhones in a streamlined manner, allowing employees to get the latest versions of Solitaire and Brickles without having to keep track of versions themselves.

11:14: Now: something completely new!  Reasonably-priced hardware!

11:14: Sorry, couldn’t resist.

11:15: MobileMe.  Exchange for the rest of us.  Audience shudders.

11:16: Everything kept up-to-date wherever you go.  Mail, contacts, calendars, porn.  Everything gets synced both ways.

11:17: Incredible Web 2.0 apps that make you think you’re working on a native app, except when they time out because of a javascript glitch that will take the developers at least 3 weeks to pinpoint and fix.

11:18: Demoing web versions of apps.

11:20: “This site requires Internet Explorer 7.0+.  Please upgrade your browser!”

11:21: iDisk is integrated into Mobile Me too, meaning you can now… er… do whatever it is iDisk is supposed to be good for.

11:22: OMG!  Calendar can display by day, week or MONTH!  Eat that, Microsoft!

11:23: Web apps are so perfectly executed it appears paying for iLife is getting less and less sensible.

11:24: Can send files via iDisk over the air.  Phil demonstrating now by sending “Kung_Fu_Panda_CAM_aXXO.avi” to Steve’s iMac.

11:26: Phil just sent Steve and email, and IT APPEARED ON HIS iPHONE!  It’s… it’s… it’s kinda like my Blackberry, actually.

11:28: Demoing the ability to take pictures and have them appear on other devices.  It appears Phil thinks this is way more fun than it really is.  He keeps giggling every time another photo moves over.

11:29: Phil just received a notice that his lunch today with Steve has been cancelled.  “You know why” is the reason.

11:30: Mobile Me is available as 60-day free trial.  Replaces .Mac, whose 10 users will be upgraded eventually.

11:31: “It’s been a year since we launched the iPhone, to great acclaim.”  Millions sold, dozens dropped and broken, four of them by Kevin Rose alone.  Ready for some new challenges.

11:33: 1)  3G network support.  2) Enterprise support.  3) Third party app support.  4)  More countries support.  5)  More affordable support.  6)  Hip support.

11:35: Introducing the iPhone 3G.  3G as in $3,000, not network speed.

11:35: “All black plastic.  Solid metal buttons.  Flush headphone jack.  Feels better in your hand.  Makes you look cooler to your friends.  Will help you pick up girls.  Unless you are a girl.  Unless you’re into that kinda thing.  And if you are, give me a call first.”

11:36: Comparing download speeds, EDGE vs 3G.  3G finished loading a page in 21 seconds, but the EDGE network took 25 seconds to put up a message that said the requested page would be mailed on CD within 6-8 business days.

11:37: Sexier than Nokia N95 or Treo 750.  “People who use those phones are losers and will die penniless and alone.”

11:39: Demoing getting email on new iPhone.  In the time it took the EDGE iPhone to fully load the message, Steve was able to reply on his 3G model: “WTF?!  TTYL.  KTHXBYE”

11:40: GPS now built in to the iPhone “so you can tell which one of the Starbucks you’re currently in, and be able to plan a more efficient route to the next one.”

11:41: iPhone can now do live tracking, so you can keep track of your ex-girlfriends no matter where they try and hide.

11:43: Going to make the new iPhone available in more countries.  Starts singing “It’s A Small World” as a list of countries displays in the background.  Apparently Antarctica is getting the 3G before Canada.  Damn those penguins.

11:44: Rollout will occur over the coming months, so start lining up outside your local mobile phone store now.   No really.

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11:47: $1,999 for the low-end iPhone, $2,999 for the more expensive white one.

11:47: Sorry, that’s $199 and $299.  Available in 22 countries starting July 11.  “We’ve manufactured at least half as many as we need to, so don’t worry about a thing.”

11:49: Steve is forcing the audience to thank the iPhone team. “I don’t think you mean it!  Do it again!”  Scoble jumps on his chair for a standing ovation, but Steve says: “Too much!  Too much, damn you!”

11:50: Most of the audience is actively trying to pawn their old iPhones off on their neighbours.  They realize they only have a matter of minutes before the price crashes beyond reason.

11:51: Steve has left the stage in a puff of smoke.

11:52: Thanks to everyone that made this keynote coverage possible!

11:52: You’re welcome!

11:52: No really, you’re the best.

11:52: Oh go on.  You’re too kind.

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Late-breaking news: Extremely reliable sources tell PTTBT the new iPhones will ship in “princess pink”, retail for $199 (with mandatory 7-year mobile contracts) and self-destruct every 16 months to maintain the usual Apple upgrade cycle.

“We’ve been expecting you for over a month now, and still nothing,” wrote Ludwig Peachance, Scientology’s west coast BSE rep, “It’s just rude, really. Every time the doorbell rings, the kids get all excited and run to the door, and it’s never you. If we should ‘expect you’, please have the common courtesy to show up. Or at least call to say you’ll be late.”

Kenny Iozen, a spokesman for Helsinki-based Anonymous, refused comment for this story, but in an off-the-record phone call said the issue boiled down to logistics and planning glitches due to the fact that nobody in the organization knows who anyone else is. A recent attempt to decide on the visual theme for the group’s phpBB forum snowballed into a worldwide rally that snarled traffic in London for hours, all because “the most subtle means of communication we’ve got right now are YouTube videos”.

Another anonymous Anonymous member explained the current hold-up in sitting down with Scientology boils down to “the rules of engagement”. Some members reportedly want to show up for tea wearing Guy Fawkes masks and carrying various oriental weapons for show, while others debate the merits of bringing scones instead of butter cookies. The butter cookies currently enjoy a 10 point lead.

Scientology, for their part, do not care about excuses.

“You’ve been far too vague about it all,” continued the letter, posted to the group’s website, “You say ‘we are legion’, but how many is that exactly? A Roman republic legion was 4,200 men, so do we need to rent a hall? We’re trying to arrange for brain-altering machines to cover the whole group, but honestly, we can’t just keep them on standby forever. Tom Cruise goes through them like you wouldn’t believe.”

Erin Barkley is the author of the upcoming book “John McCain and the Truth Behind the Forthcoming Worldwide Recession: How Corporate Greed and Two Pineapples Destroyed the American Dream”.

Early morning: PTTBT’s Erin Barkley has paid a homeless person $5 to keep her place in line outside the Moscone Center overnight and will be providing live coverage of Steve Jobs’ keynote at MacWorld 2008 starting at 8:30PST (11:30EST) when she has finished her morning routine at Starbucks. Check back here for the web’s most insightful liveblogging analysis of the Stevenote, as it happens.

8:05: We’re in line outside Moscone West. There are several hundred people here, all with iPhones and at least half the crowd is wearing mock turtlenecks. One guy with a Dell was just lynched and strung up to a lamp post.

8:08: Someone just hung a “there’s something in the air” poster from the Dell guy’s foot. Ha! Good times!

8:19: Jason Chen from Gizmodo is here. Apparently Richard Blakeley was supposed to cover MacWorld this year, but he’s in jail after discovering TV-B-Gone remotes also shut off pacemakers at a WWII Vets conference over the weekend.

8:24: A bunch of Googlers at the start of the line just announced they’d trade spots with anyone that could solve some stupid-long equation that takes up like seven sheets of paper. They’ve all got stupid grins on their faces.

8:26: A kid back about 200 people in line just called out “42!” and the Googlers all started swearing and picking up their things.

8:36: Jason Calacanis was just singled out by a bomb-sniffing dog and is being dragged from the line by two large men with kevlar vests. I checked Mahalo for an explanation but it was useless.

8:42: We’re about to be let into the hall. Everyone’s being given a little blue pill along with a pair of 3D glasses. Not sure why.

8:49: A trio of Mac fanboys just swooned next to me. Anywhere else, they’d get their asses kicked for that.

8:55: Camera crews are going in. The rest of us are pounding at the doors like Uruk-hai at Helm’s Deep. Some of us look like Uruk-hai, too ([cough]Scoble![/cough])

8:59: I felt a pleasant tingling and a sudden rush of irrational euphoria. Steve must be nearby!

9:00: We’re in! They’re playing Beatles! This must be a sign! Beatles on iTunes! You heard it here first (today at least).

9:01: The big screen where Steve stands just launched into Front Row and someone is browsing the movies. Everyone’s confused.

9:02: Red light in the back and a pair of guys dressed like stormtroopers are pushing through the crowd. Front Row quickly closed.

9:03: Gizmodo again. Jason Chen was just dragged out by the throat, to the applause of the rest of the blogosphere.

9:06: There’s something taped to the bottom of the chairs, but when you touch it you get an electric shock. The Engadget guys are trying to coerce an Adobe rep into risking brain damage for $15.

9:12: Current music: Alone Again by Gilbert O’Sullivan.

9:14: Lights dimmed. Keynote about to start.

9:15: New Get a Mac ad… happy new year. PC has katana is about to commit suicide. Mac just laughs. Crowd laughs too.

9:15: Steve on stage. Big year. iPhones, new iPods, Leopard, Vista sucks. Thank you for buying me a new jet… er… for making it a great year.

9:17: Four things to talk about today. Two of them boring.

9:17: Leopard shipped over 5 million copies in 3 months. Most successful version of OS X ever. 20% of Macs using Leopard now. The rest are still on 10.1 and in use by design shops.

9:18: Stroking egos of tech press that sucked up over the last 6 months. Mossberg giggles when Steve says his name.

9:20: Lots of apps. Mac Office 2008 is now shipping. Boos from audience. Steve imitates gouging eyes out with his fingers, says “I know what you mean.”

9:21: Time Machine sucks because you always have to plug it in to use it on laptops. New product: Time Capsule.

9:21: Time Capsule is a new Airport Extreme base station that has an internal HD. 1TB for $499. Dead silence from audience.

9:21: “What? I thought you liked to buy overpriced shit!”

9:21: Audience now applauding, but with confused looks on our faces.

9:22: 2nd thing: iPhone.

9:22: 200th day since iPhones went on sale. 4 million units sold. 1 million still unsold on eBay.

9:22: 20,000 iPhones dropped and cracked daily. Impressive stats. Kevin Rose is weeping in the back.

9:23: First quarter shipping, iPhone got 19.5% of the US Smartphone market, behind RIM.

9:23: “Gonna do something about that”… Apple to buy RIM! Discontinuing Blackberry!

9:23: Stock market is tanking suddenly.

9:24: SDK for iPhone coming out in February, but new software today. Better not be Pong.

9:25: It is Pong. Dear god.

9:26: Also WebClips, customizing home screen, SMS multiple people, and a new game called JailBreak, where you try and dig out of jail but the warden keeps changing the prison every time you make progress.

9:27: Demoing now. Google maps thinks Steve is in Iceland. Guy in back laughs.

9:28: I swear I heard a sound like a sniper rifle with a silencer.

9:29: Demoing SMS feature. Chatting with Phil Schiller and Tim Cook.

9:30: Scoble just spammed their conversation, asking for a job as an evangelist at Apple. Steve is not amused.

9:32: WebClips let you save where you were on a page. Remembers pan/zoom info. You can make up to 9 of them. Useful for times when you… you… nope, I got nothin’.

9:33: Demo is done. Audience breathes sigh of relief.

9:35: for iPod Touch: 5 new apps. Pong, Pong+, Mail, Stocks, Weather.

9:36: Mail is not actual Mail, it just lets you write letters to show people on-screen, like very expensive paper that you wouldn’t dare put in an envelope.

9:37: $20 upgrade for existing users. “Just because we can.”

9:38: 3rd thing: iTunes. 4 billion songs sold. 20 million on Christmas day. New one-day record.

9:38: iTunes movie rentals. 320×240 resolution, 15fps, $10.99 for 24 hours.

9:38: Sorry, wrong slide.

9:39: Touchstone, Miramax, MGM, Lionsgate, Newline, Fox, WB, Disney, Paramount, Universal, Sony all on board, although Sony’s movies will only play on 2008-model Bravias.

9:39: Every major studio is on board. Negotiations with Apple are major reason why the writers’ strike has gone on so long.

9:40: Over 1000 movies (avaialbe 30 days after DVD release)

9:40: Watch instantly (30 seconds on broadband)

9:40: Way better than Pirate Bay if you don’t typically notice when movies arrive in Blockbuster.

9:41: Old crappy movies: $2.99; new crappy movies: $3.99.

9:42: Plays a sample of Transformers 2007 movie. Vomiting heard from audience.

9:43: Movie Rentals launches today in U.S., International later this year.

9:44: Apple TV 2.0. Rent movies on Apple TV. DVD quality + HD + Dolby 5.1. Can show podcasts (two people clap loudly for a few seconds)

9:45: HD Titles are $4.99, 100 titles starting today, including Sound of Music and Casablanca.

9:48: Demoing movie: “Cloverfield_TS_aXXo_720p.avi”

9:49: Can preview movies from the interface, see what movies are popular with losers with similar bad taste in entertainment.

9:50: Plays trailer for new JJ Abrams Star Trek!

9:53: Steve’s Apple TV is downloading at about 1%/second. “Plebs will average 0.0013%/minute”, he says with a grin.

9:56: Steve’s Apple Remote seems to have stopped working. He’s storming around the stage swearing like a sailor.

9:56: An Apple staffter comes out with a new remote. Steve does a crazy kung fu kick to the kid’s neck and snatches the remote out of the air as he falls.

9:57: Audience claps nervously.

9:58: We are apparently watching the entirety of Blades of Glory today. It just doesn’t stop.

9:59: You can view friends’ photocasts from your TV. Steve has some kinky friends, judging from the thumbnails. Was that really a goat?

10:00: Music can be bought from within Apple TV. A guy next to me chuckles and says “bought… classic…”

10:01: The new Apple TV is a free software update, and the hardware is cheaper: $229. Tepid applause.

10:02: 20th Century Fox was first studio to sign up. Brokep from Pirate Bay is taking the stage, explaining how easy it is to hack the Apple TV to automatically download and categorize torrents of your favourite shows and movies

10:04: SFPD are raiding the hall, chasing Brokep with tasers. Steve is just standing there, laughing.

10:05: 20th Century Fox CEO now taking stage. “We wanted to make great movies and get them into as many hands as possible. So now at least we’ve accomplished one of those goals.”

10:08: Steve has re-taken the stage with minimal casualties.

10:09: 4th thing: there’s something in the air.

10:09: Phil Schiller from backstage: “Sorry!”

10:10: Apple makes the best notebooks in the industry. Today a new kind of notebook: the MacBook Air.

10:10: World’s thinnest notebook. So thin it’s almost not there.

10:10: Steve holds up his hand like he’s holding something, but there’s nothing there.

10:10: Awkward silence.

10:11: Most people think of Sony TZ series when they think of thin notebooks. 3lbs, 0.8 inches, 11″ display. Miniature keyboard. Slower processor. Apple is topping all of those.

10:12: MacBook Air is 0.16″ to 0.76″. Fits in an envelope. Someone from the audience yells “prove it!” and throws a tiny envelope on stage.

10:14: Magnetic latch. 13.3″ widescreen. Display is LED backlit. iSight built in. Macbook-like keyboard except not as crappy.

10:14: Multi-touch trackpad. Useful for… for… touching multiple things.

10:15: How do we fit a Mac in there?

10:16: Magic beans. Oh dear.

10:16: 1.8″ hard drive. 8GB.

10:16: 80GB, sorry. But it sounded like Apple, didn’t it?

10:17: 80GB standard, 64GB solid state drive optional.

10:17: 1.6GHz standard, 1.8 optional. Intel Core 2 Duo. Still not fast enough to play Quake, but it will cook eggs if you try.

10:18: Apple asked Intel to shrink the Core 2 Duo. Intel said f**k off.

10:20: Intel CEO taking stage, bitches about Steve’s demands. Gets removed by storm trooper guys. Steve re-takes stage.

10:21: Other features: Magsafe, 1 USB port, Micro-DVI out, audio out, 802.11n, Bluetooth, flux capacitor, Mr Fusion power source.

10:22: No optical drive, but optional SuperDrive for $99. Can also rip apart friends’ computers to “borrow” their optical drives at will.

10:25: 5 hour battery, 2GB memory standard, $17,990.

10:25: Again, sorry. $1,799.

10:26: Audience cheers. Nobody knows why. It’s like a magic hand reached into our souls and made us happy involuntarily.

10:26: Pre-orders today, shipping in 2 weeks, which means March.

10:27: “We expect to have the bugs worked out by the summer, so buy now.”

10:27: Ad for MacBook Air plays, touting ability to fit it into an envelope. Shows single dad losing it when he realizes he accidentally mailed his laptop to the IRS instead of his taxes.

10:29: Environmental benefits: entirely biodegradable, will turn into fertilizer 6 months after purchase.

10:29: Greenpeace heckler at back shouts “not good enough!” and is dragged down and beaten by a small army of fanboys. Audience cheers.

10:31: Randy Newman (sings Toy Story songs) takes stage to put audience to sleep during final stage of hypnosis.

10:35: Longest damn song in the world. Steve has fallen asleep in the corner.

10:40: Randy Newman is having a psychotic break on-stage. The RDF must be too strong for him.

10:44: And it’s over! Thanks to everyone that sent us abuse during the keynote… it really made it worthwhile. We’re gonna go play with a MacBook Air and you’re not! Nyah nyah nyah! Suckers!

“The whole bottom part of the machine was warped at a 45-degree angle,” said a source who was laughing too hard to give his name, “And in a second, these two guys in black suits are dragging Scoble away by the nostrils like he weighs absolutely nothing.  He kept crying that he’s Steve’s best friend, no really, he’s Steve’s best friend.  It was hilarious.”

An Apple spokesman  declined comment on the incident, saying only that “the revolutionary MacBook Air is so thin it can fit inside an envelope, just like our critics.  Capice?”

Early morning: PTTBT’s Erin Barkley has paid a homeless person $5 to keep her place in line outside the Moscone Center overnight and will be providing live coverage of Steve Jobs’ keynote at MacWorld 2008 starting at 8:30PST (11:30EST) when she has finished her morning routine at Starbucks. Check back here for the web’s most insightful liveblogging analysis of the Stevenote, as it happens.

8:05: We’re in line outside Moscone West. There are several hundred people here, all with iPhones and at least half the crowd is wearing mock turtlenecks. One guy with a Dell was just lynched and strung up to a lamp post.

8:08: Someone just hung a “there’s something in the air” poster from the Dell guy’s foot. Ha! Good times!

8:19: Jason Chen from Gizmodo is here. Apparently Richard Blakeley was supposed to cover MacWorld this year, but he’s in jail after discovering TV-B-Gone remotes also shut off pacemakers at a WWII Vets conference over the weekend.

8:24: A bunch of Googlers at the start of the line just announced they’d trade spots with anyone that could solve some stupid-long equation that takes up like seven sheets of paper. They’ve all got stupid grins on their faces.

8:26: A kid back about 200 people in line just called out “42!” and the Googlers all started swearing and picking up their things.

8:36: Jason Calacanis was just singled out by a bomb-sniffing dog and is being dragged from the line by two large men with kevlar vests. I checked Mahalo for an explanation but it was useless.

8:42: We’re about to be let into the hall. Everyone’s being given a little blue pill along with a pair of 3D glasses. Not sure why.

8:49: A trio of Mac fanboys just swooned next to me. Anywhere else, they’d get their asses kicked for that.

8:55: Camera crews are going in. The rest of us are pounding at the doors like Uruk-hai at Helm’s Deep. Some of us look like Uruk-hai, too ([cough]Scoble![/cough])

8:59: I felt a pleasant tingling and a sudden rush of irrational euphoria. Steve must be nearby!

9:00: We’re in! They’re playing Beatles! This must be a sign! Beatles on iTunes! You heard it here first (today at least).

9:01: The big screen where Steve stands just launched into Front Row and someone is browsing the movies. Everyone’s confused.

9:02: Red light in the back and a pair of guys dressed like stormtroopers are pushing through the crowd. Front Row quickly closed.

9:03: Gizmodo again. Jason Chen was just dragged out by the throat, to the applause of the rest of the blogosphere.

9:06: There’s something taped to the bottom of the chairs, but when you touch it you get an electric shock. The Engadget guys are trying to coerce an Adobe rep into risking brain damage for $15.

9:12: Current music: Alone Again by Gilbert O’Sullivan.

9:14: Lights dimmed. Keynote about to start.

9:15: New Get a Mac ad… happy new year. PC has katana is about to commit suicide. Mac just laughs. Crowd laughs too.

9:15: Steve on stage. Big year. iPhones, new iPods, Leopard, Vista sucks. Thank you for buying me a new jet… er… for making it a great year.

9:17: Four things to talk about today. Two of them boring.

9:17: Leopard shipped over 5 million copies in 3 months. Most successful version of OS X ever. 20% of Macs using Leopard now. The rest are still on 10.1 and in use by design shops.

9:18: Stroking egos of tech press that sucked up over the last 6 months. Mossberg giggles when Steve says his name.

9:20: Lots of apps. Mac Office 2008 is now shipping. Boos from audience. Steve imitates gouging eyes out with his fingers, says “I know what you mean.”

9:21: Time Machine sucks because you always have to plug it in to use it on laptops. New product: Time Capsule.

9:21: Time Capsule is a new Airport Extreme base station that has an internal HD. 1TB for $499. Dead silence from audience.

9:21: “What? I thought you liked to buy overpriced shit!”

9:21: Audience now applauding, but with confused looks on our faces.

9:22: 2nd thing: iPhone.

9:22: 200th day since iPhones went on sale. 4 million units sold. 1 million still unsold on eBay.

9:22: 20,000 iPhones dropped and cracked daily. Impressive stats. Kevin Rose is weeping in the back.

9:23: First quarter shipping, iPhone got 19.5% of the US Smartphone market, behind RIM.

9:23: “Gonna do something about that”… Apple to buy RIM! Discontinuing Blackberry!

9:23: Stock market is tanking suddenly.

9:24: SDK for iPhone coming out in February, but new software today. Better not be Pong.

9:25: It is Pong. Dear god.

9:26: Also WebClips, customizing home screen, SMS multiple people, and a new game called JailBreak, where you try and dig out of jail but the warden keeps changing the prison every time you make progress.

9:27: Demoing now. Google maps thinks Steve is in Iceland. Guy in back laughs.

9:28: I swear I heard a sound like a sniper rifle with a silencer.

9:29: Demoing SMS feature. Chatting with Phil Schiller and Tim Cook.

9:30: Scoble just spammed their conversation, asking for a job as an evangelist at Apple. Steve is not amused.

9:32: WebClips let you save where you were on a page. Remembers pan/zoom info. You can make up to 9 of them. Useful for times when you… you… nope, I got nothin’.

9:33: Demo is done. Audience breathes sigh of relief.

9:35: for iPod Touch: 5 new apps. Pong, Pong+, Mail, Stocks, Weather.

9:36: Mail is not actual Mail, it just lets you write letters to show people on-screen, like very expensive paper that you wouldn’t dare put in an envelope.

9:37: $20 upgrade for existing users. “Just because we can.”

9:38: 3rd thing: iTunes. 4 billion songs sold. 20 million on Christmas day. New one-day record.

9:38: iTunes movie rentals. 320×240 resolution, 15fps, $10.99 for 24 hours.

9:38: Sorry, wrong slide.

9:39: Touchstone, Miramax, MGM, Lionsgate, Newline, Fox, WB, Disney, Paramount, Universal, Sony all on board, although Sony’s movies will only play on 2008-model Bravias.

9:39: Every major studio is on board. Negotiations with Apple are major reason why the writers’ strike has gone on so long.

9:40: Over 1000 movies (avaialbe 30 days after DVD release)

9:40: Watch instantly (30 seconds on broadband)

9:40: Way better than Pirate Bay if you don’t typically notice when movies arrive in Blockbuster.

9:41: Old crappy movies: $2.99; new crappy movies: $3.99.

9:42: Plays a sample of Transformers 2007 movie. Vomiting heard from audience.

9:43: Movie Rentals launches today in U.S., International later this year.

9:44: Apple TV 2.0. Rent movies on Apple TV. DVD quality + HD + Dolby 5.1. Can show podcasts (two people clap loudly for a few seconds)

9:45: HD Titles are $4.99, 100 titles starting today, including Sound of Music and Casablanca.

9:48: Demoing movie: “Cloverfield_TS_aXXo_720p.avi”

9:49: Can preview movies from the interface, see what movies are popular with losers with similar bad taste in entertainment.

9:50: Plays trailer for new JJ Abrams Star Trek!

9:53: Steve’s Apple TV is downloading at about 1%/second. “Plebs will average 0.0013%/minute”, he says with a grin.

9:56: Steve’s Apple Remote seems to have stopped working. He’s storming around the stage swearing like a sailor.

9:56: An Apple staffter comes out with a new remote. Steve does a crazy kung fu kick to the kid’s neck and snatches the remote out of the air as he falls.

9:57: Audience claps nervously.

9:58: We are apparently watching the entirety of Blades of Glory today. It just doesn’t stop.

9:59: You can view friends’ photocasts from your TV. Steve has some kinky friends, judging from the thumbnails. Was that really a goat?

10:00: Music can be bought from within Apple TV. A guy next to me chuckles and says “bought… classic…”

10:01: The new Apple TV is a free software update, and the hardware is cheaper: $229. Tepid applause.

10:02: 20th Century Fox was first studio to sign up. Brokep from Pirate Bay is taking the stage, explaining how easy it is to hack the Apple TV to automatically download and categorize torrents of your favourite shows and movies

10:04: SFPD are raiding the hall, chasing Brokep with tasers. Steve is just standing there, laughing.

10:05: 20th Century Fox CEO now taking stage. “We wanted to make great movies and get them into as many hands as possible. So now at least we’ve accomplished one of those goals.”

10:08: Steve has re-taken the stage with minimal casualties.

10:09: 4th thing: there’s something in the air.

10:09: Phil Schiller from backstage: “Sorry!”

10:10: Apple makes the best notebooks in the industry. Today a new kind of notebook: the MacBook Air.

10:10: World’s thinnest notebook. So thin it’s almost not there.

10:10: Steve holds up his hand like he’s holding something, but there’s nothing there.

10:10: Awkward silence.

10:11: Most people think of Sony TZ series when they think of thin notebooks. 3lbs, 0.8 inches, 11″ display. Miniature keyboard. Slower processor. Apple is topping all of those.

10:12: MacBook Air is 0.16″ to 0.76″. Fits in an envelope. Someone from the audience yells “prove it!” and throws a tiny envelope on stage.

10:14: Magnetic latch. 13.3″ widescreen. Display is LED backlit. iSight built in. Macbook-like keyboard except not as crappy.

10:14: Multi-touch trackpad. Useful for… for… touching multiple things.

10:15: How do we fit a Mac in there?

10:16: Magic beans. Oh dear.

10:16: 1.8″ hard drive. 8GB.

10:16: 80GB, sorry. But it sounded like Apple, didn’t it?

10:17: 80GB standard, 64GB solid state drive optional.

10:17: 1.6GHz standard, 1.8 optional. Intel Core 2 Duo. Still not fast enough to play Quake, but it will cook eggs if you try.

10:18: Apple asked Intel to shrink the Core 2 Duo. Intel said f**k off.

10:20: Intel CEO taking stage, bitches about Steve’s demands. Gets removed by storm trooper guys. Steve re-takes stage.

10:21: Other features: Magsafe, 1 USB port, Micro-DVI out, audio out, 802.11n, Bluetooth, flux capacitor, Mr Fusion power source.

10:22: No optical drive, but optional SuperDrive for $99. Can also rip apart friends’ computers to “borrow” their optical drives at will.

10:25: 5 hour battery, 2GB memory standard, $17,990.

10:25: Again, sorry. $1,799.

10:26: Audience cheers. Nobody knows why. It’s like a magic hand reached into our souls and made us happy involuntarily.

10:26: Pre-orders today, shipping in 2 weeks, which means March.

10:27: “We expect to have the bugs worked out by the summer, so buy now.”

10:27: Ad for MacBook Air plays, touting ability to fit it into an envelope. Shows single dad losing it when he realizes he accidentally mailed his laptop to the IRS instead of his taxes.

10:29: Environmental benefits: entirely biodegradable, will turn into fertilizer 6 months after purchase.

10:29: Greenpeace heckler at back shouts “not good enough!” and is dragged down and beaten by a small army of fanboys. Audience cheers.

10:31: Randy Newman (sings Toy Story songs) takes stage to put audience to sleep during final stage of hypnosis.

10:35: Longest damn song in the world. Steve has fallen asleep in the corner.

10:40: Randy Newman is having a psychotic break on-stage. The RDF must be too strong for him.

10:44: And it’s over! Thanks to everyone that sent us abuse during the keynote… it really made it worthwhile. We’re gonna go play with a MacBook Air and you’re not! Nyah nyah nyah! Suckers!

Learn all about the new Mac Tablets in the kind of detail nobody else can match, because they’re too concerned with the facts!  We will also have exclusive backstage and post-show coverage thanks to our mole, Jeremy Watson, who is Jobs’ personal grapefruit squeezer.

Be sure to tune in… it’s sure to be the most exciting and informative coverage anywhere on the web!

John McCain won a key endorsement from the Association American Families Struggling With Bipolar Disorder, after “it became clear Senator McCain also suffers from extreme mood swings that diminish his ability to make rational judgments or maintain a consistent personality over a period of several days.” However, Fox News questions whether the association’s members can be counted on to feel well enough to vote in November.

Hillary Clinton, reeling from a perception that her teary moment at a campaign stop on Monday was fabricated, broke down at coffee shop in New Hampshire Tuesday, where she reportedly “beat her breast, tore her hair, and wept sweet tears of sorrow and fear” at the thought of Barack Obama winning the Democratic nomination. Observers say this latest stunt proves that the recent hiring of a lead Google engineer has indeed improved the perception that Clinton is in fact human, although one analyst suggested her handlers use less Shakespeare in the Hillary 3.1 software in the future.

“Obviously, we’re very upset about the mistake and are working hard ensure it never happens again,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior VP of worldwide product marketing and political assassinations.  “It’s really embarrassing for me, personally, because I usually take this last week to think of some genius marketing-speak to put in the press release, but on such short notice all I can think of is: ‘The new Mac Pro is the fastest Mac we’ve ever made’, which is utter crap since we obviously wouldn’t release something slower than the previous rev, would we?  I need a scotch.  Who’s up for some breakfast drinks while I try and think of something better?”

Sources inside Apple tell PTTBT that the announcements for the new Mac Pro and Xserve computers were supposed to be wrapped in Steve Jobs’ powerful Reality Distortion Field to make them more palatable to the masses, but the early announcement has left them exposed for scrutiny and ridicule.  Apple engineers have been flooding message boards all morning trying to play up the new machines’ capabilities, but face an uphill battle promoting things like 4TB of internal storage and 32GB of RAM amid a torrent of jeers about single-button mice.

“Someone really dropped the ball on this one,” said tech analyst Germaine Lowenstein, “I expect they’ll be trying to polish off some half-baked products in the next six days so they have something to show at MacWorld, like they did with the Apple TV.  I would hate to be in the Apple web department today, when Steve hears about this.  Ballmer throws chairs, but Steve throws people.  With his mind.”

Indeed, eyewitnesses report seeing four ambulances leaving Apple headquarters Tuesday, though it was not clear if the incident was related to the information leak or simply another culling of employees found to be reading Dan Lyons’ book Option$ at work.

An Apple spokesman said Jobs was unavailable for comment, as he was busy personally re-tiling the walls in the Moscone Center for “maximum karmic energy transference” ahead of “the ritual”.