Archive for December, 2007
Chinese officials blasted their US counterparts for sending a secret mission to the moon to fill in a crater recently discovered by the Chang’e 1 lunar orbiter.
“It is despicable to think NASA scientists would engage in such shenanigans,” said Chinese Space Agency chief Xinan Chow at a press conference in Beijing, “But the evidence is unavoidable. Last week, we had high-resolution pictures of a new crater on the moon, and now the crater is gone. It seems like a whole lot of work to save face, but there is no other way to explain it.”
China’s theory is that the Pentagon sent a top-secret shuttle to the surface of the moon sometime over the weekend, where a pair of specially-equipped bulldozers pushed soil into the crater and then a team of 50 astronauts carefully dusted the area to cover any tread marks. One source close to the matter suggested the astronauts were hiding on the dark side of the moon until interest in the crater died down and they could make their way back home.
NASA, predictably, denied the accusations.
“It’s absurd to suggest we would go all the way out there to fill up a crater they think they saw,” said NASA spokesman David Yasselback. “I mean, we had a hard enough time getting consistent shadows on our moon soundstage in the 60’s… I don’t even want to think of how many wires we’d have to photoshop out of the film if we sent that many people at once. It definitely wasn’t us.”
Regardless of who filled in the crater, China announced plans late Wednesday to send a second craft into space, armed with enough explosives to blow a similarly-sized hole in the side of the moon, which they have already dubbed “Ziowa xi’zan shipaowo”, which translates to: “My Little Crater”.
New York City officials were working overtime Wednesday to prepare for the end-of-century party this New Year’s Eve, which they admit caught them off-guard.
“It’s embarrassing to say, but we didn’t realize another 100 years had passed until this morning,” said Damien Gertz, aide the mayor, “But when we read that Facebook was changing their Beacon service again, it dawned on us: hey, we’d better get moving. A major change in media may happen every hundred years, but ordering that much confetti takes a lot of time!”
The confusion stems from how people measure time: when Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced the privacy-violating Beacon program last month, he also offered a sneak peek at how scientists are revamping the space-time continuum, by pinning Facebook’s new feature to an otherwise-impossible milestone: 100 years after the last major change in media.
“Of course we’re not implying that the development of the television, computer or internet are not big changes,” said company rep Mitch Morgenstern while defending the move, “What we’re saying is that our version of ‘100 years’ may not gel with the ‘official’ version. For now. It all depends how certain members of Congress feel about their wall posts being made public… <cough>puppylove<cough>.”
Facebook refused to define exactly what now constitutes a century, but based on this latest development in the life of the Beacon service, experts estimate it now comes in at about 28 days. By that standard, Apple’s iTablet should be released in the year 2158, the next Indiana Jones movie will be in theatres when Harrison Ford is nearly 700 years old, and Microsoft’s next operating system will be released in 4122 (which, in an interesting quirk of math, is the same in both the new and old systems of counting centuries).
Coffee giant Starbucks fought back against accusations that their “vanilla latte” drinks contain a toxic chemical which causes temporary memory loss and an inability to read calendars.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” said Gary Pablo, VP of Grande Drinks at Starbucks, “There is no truth that drinking our line of vanilla-flavoured beverages makes you more likely to lose your memory. It may be an indicator of fiscal irresponsibility, but that’s not because of the syrup. I know for a fact that nobody in Washington drinks vanilla anything, and yet they still balance books worse than my dyslexic toddler.”
The controversy stems from what is quickly becoming known as “Black Tuesday”, where several major internet portals failed to update for an entire day for no apparent reason. After an intense investigation lead by Damen Peamu of PTBBT, scientists pinned the blame on Starbucks’ lattes for causing “a state of euphoria wherein the subject forgot they had deadlines to meet” and in some cases “were absolutely certain it was a long weekend and thus did not have to work”.
Still, some are not convinced that the issue was as wide-spread as rumours might indicate.
“I don’t know if we can really call this an epidemic,” said Dr. Lowen Gerschtadt of Sir Francis Xavier University in Milan, “It seems as if it were limited to only one site, and not even one that most people read. If it were widespread, I would have hoped it might have stopped Robert Scoble from updating his site too. But I distinctly remember scarring my eyeballs yesterday.”
If confirmed, the vanilla latte syndrome would be the second such “blogger’s” disease related to Starbucks drinks, after “caramelitis ventitis”, which is best known for making tech maven Jason Calacanis inflict his “Mahalo” site upon the world.
Consumer rights activists praised Apple CEO Steve Jobs on Wednesday for his stance on space-shifting – the ability to transfer a movie from a DVD to a computer or iPod – calling it “a heroic idea sure to benefit consumers worldwide”.
“Against all odds, Apple has done something great,” said Martin Hyslop of the American Freedoms Association, “Rather than forcing consumers to download freeware to access their legally-acquired films on whatever device they choose, this new initiative will provide a new, copy-protected version for Apple products, for a nominal fee. Nominal compared to the cost of the computer. Or at least Macs.”
The Apple plan, which would see a new class of DVD discs sold in stores across the country, would include a second copy of the movie specifically designed to be copied to the hard drive of any iTunes-enabled device. The new “enhanced” discs would be sold for an extra $4, and would eventually become the “standard” delivery method for Hollywood movies, not counting BitTorrent sites.
“It’s a big savings for the consumer,” said Hodgwin Pile of analyst firm Holt and McGregor, “It would seem like ripping a movie yourself for free would be cheaper, but if you consider that it takes at least 90 minutes to convert a DVD… I don’t know about you, but my time is worth $250/hour, so that’s a $371 savings doing it Apple’s way. Even more if you factor in the legal fees of fighting a DMCA case for bypassing the copy protection. Apple’s finally given us a legal alternative to enjoy our fundamental rights as consumers.”
Still, not everyone is happy about the new approach. Sources inside at least two major studios tell PTTBT they will fight Steve Jobs’ proposal to the end, decrying what they see as “corporate piracy of the worst kind”.
“So what, we jack up the price of the discs by $4, and Apple gets $2 of that?” said Universal Pictures executive Jim Rubenstein, “We’re not going down the same road as those music dopes. You want to do this, it’s $15 extra, and you get the same $2, and no more propping up your little iPod scam. We’re not getting screwed, left begging for more. That’s what writers are for.”
The US government reacted strongly to news Monday that Iran had suspended its nuclear weapons program in 2003, with Washington sending envoys to capitals around the world to drum up support for military action against the rogue nation.
“Iran remains as big a threat as ever,” said Pentagon spokesman Luis Applebaum at a daily press briefing, “They may not have nukes, and they may not be working to build them, but I think real question is: why don’t they want nukes? Are they crazy? We’re gonna invade them! If I were them, I’d want nukes. They’re like Hannibal Lecter or something, just smiling at us, licking their lips. Gives me the creeps.”
Sources inside the White House suggest Vice President Dick Cheney’s staff have been aggressively pushing an anti-anti-nuclear stance with regards to Iran over the past few weeks. In a draft presented to the Joint Chiefs last Thursday, Cheney suggested pre-emptively striking any nation that does not at least have a secret plan to develop nuclear weapons. The policy was ultimately defeated when General Rosen Kojeski pointed out “that Poland, for instance, doesn’t want nukes”, and Cheney didn’t flinch.
“Iran will not give in to threats and innuendo,” said Iranian ambassador Ahmed Aboujani in a press conference Monday afternoon. “But I have to say, I think my translator is confused about this. You’re seriously saying you need to bomb us because we’re being peaceful? And I thought my boss was nuts… yeesh…”
But it was Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani that seemingly made the most convincing argument for invasion, during a rally in Kentucky:
“When I hear that Iran has no nukes, it makes me think of September 11, 2001,” he said to loud cheers from the party faithful, “And I remember that as the towers went down, there were no nukes involved. And to me, that says that we must invade Iran. Because one of these days, we’re gonna get it right.”
An official for the French government said his country had no position yet, but would eventually disagree with whatever the US policy ended up being.
