Archive for November, 2007
Famed bittorrent ripper aXXo is reportedly the top contender to be Ron Paul’s running mate if he were to win the Republican nomination in 2008, according to documents obtained by PTTBT.
“Obviously it’s too early to comment on such matters, but I know the congressman is a big fan,” said a staffer who declined to be named. “None of us on the campaign would’ve been able to see Ocean’s 13 without him. He’s a swell guy.”
Sources close to aXXo confirm he is indeed considering Paul’s offer, and has gone so far as to put his charitable activities on hold while he works out the logistics of a summer campaign. However, many of his fans are upset that upcoming DVD rips will not be available with the same guarantee of quality. One web forum user nicknamed ‘dandruff‘ panned the move, writing: “Ron Paul + aXXo = lame saturdays. no digg.”
Rival candidates from both parties spent Wednesday afternoon scrambling to stake their own territory in the unexpectedly hot world of online culture: sources suggest Rudy Giuliani is courting “DVD” Jon Johansen, while the Clinton campaign is in heated talks with Richard Stallman.
“We look forward to presenting our vision for the future of America with Mr Stallman,” said Clinton spokesman Henry Moosepaw, “Though not in person, because dear god the smell might kill someone.”
Pundits had mixed reviews for Paul’s drafting of a pirate celebrity, with one Fox News guest suggesting “it will destroy his chances for the White House. This time for sure.” Others say the addition of aXXo could, in fact, help the dark horse candidate’s campaign, citing the effect of high-value “vision seeders” in ratio to “Democrat leeches”, at least in neighbourhoods unserviced by Comcast.
“Adding someone like aXXo to the ticket makes the race a lot more dynamic,” said Jason Nutmerg of Applied Corrugated Concepts, “But I do wonder whether those insipid vermin in Washington would tolerate his tireless work ethic and concern with quality. If I were them, I’d start releasing good torrents now, just so they don’t look bad when he gets there. And not C-SPAN like last time.”
Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper lashed out Wednesday at critics who say the Canadian public was not properly consulted in the planned revision of the Copyright Act, widely expected to be tabled before Christmas.
“To suggest that we didn’t ask Canadians what they wanted is irresponsible,” he told reporters outside an upscale Ottawa restaurant. “There were thousands of pages of testimony from the public, and I can tell you it took [Time Warner CEO] Rich Parsons and I almost a full week to burn it at all that Whistler retreat.”
A spokesman for the Department of Canadian Heritage told reporters that the decision-making process on the issue of copyright was “actually very complex”, and after nearly a month of trying to assemble a comprehensive strategy that “reflected diverse opinions from across the country”, it was decided at a senior level to “give up and just use whatever the MPAA sent us”.
“The real problem is that most of the insipid whining – sorry, I mean ‘debate’ – was pushing abstract ideals like ’sovereignty’ and ‘Canadian culture’,” said Thomas Bélanger, Assistant Deputy Minister at Heritage, “I don’t know what those mean, but when I saw the pictures of the sad, broken faces of Hollywood studio executives… crushed by years of rampant piracy, barely able to put out a decent movie for all the mental anguish… well, you’d have to be pretty cold to deny them complete control over our cultural agenda.”
Opponents of the expected bill claim adopting a Canadian equivalent of the American Digital Millennium Copyright Act will set the country back at least 10 years, and potentially cripple the booming technology sector, while the Canadian Music Creators Coalition reiterated their platform opposing draconian laws that restrict the rights of artists and their fans. But in an impassioned speech at a Moosepaw Club luncheon in Toronto, Canadian Recording Industry Association president Graham Henderson reminded voters not to listen to “under-paid dandruff-covered hacks who couldn’t cut it in the USA”.
“You hear all these complaints from this rag-tag group of crybabies,” Henderson said to a packed crowd of easily-swayed decision makers, “But they don’t speak for Canadians. I speak for Canadians, because my American stakeholders told me I do. Oh, and also we have the word ‘Canadian’ in our name. So there.”
Both the Liberal and Bloc parties had no official comment on the proposed legislation, but the NDP did release a statement promising to “bluster ineffectually, as we tend to do when it counts.”
Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.
Universal CEO Doug Morris found himself the subject of an investigation by the District Attorney’s office in Los Angeles after reports that he may have subjected his dog to cruel and inhumane conditions at the hands of an unnamed third party.
“We have mounting evidence that suggests that Mr Morris asked a cable installer to remove his dog’s kidney last summer,” said ADA Benjamin Islo at a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “The Comcast employee is cooperating with police and has surrendered his cable stripper, staple gun and twelve ethernet cords for forensic testing.”
While prosecutors declined to comment on the specifics of the case, a source inside the LAPD told PTTBT multiple witnesses are prepared to testify that they heard Morris complaining for weeks that “his dog was sick, and he didn’t know who to hire“, culminating in a shocking August afternoon that reportedly left a FedEx deliveryman and two maids into intensive psychotherapy, as the 68-year-old roamed the neighbourhood with a pair of hedge clippers, looking for someone to “do the deed”.
Morris’ attorneys were on the attack late Tuesday, defending their client against the “baseless accusations”.
“The truth of the matter is, my client didn’t know who to hire,” said Gabriel Mitz of the firm Mitz, Gilo and Moosepaw, “He wouldn’t be able to recognize a good animal-operating-individual if he saw one. Any insipid fool with a good bullshit story could have gotten past him… and tragically, in this case, one did.”
When asked why Morris did not simply visit a reputable vet to perform the surgery, Mitz replied: “Well sure, in retrospect that makes more sense. But he was in the thick of something new and unpredictable, and short of suing his local pet hospital, he did the best he could. Incidentally, he’s also suing his local pet hospital. College students are killing animals, I tell you.”
Morris’ dog has been placed with a foster family, and is expected to make a full recovery, although doctors expect his bittorrent speeds may be irreparably capped.
Members of Pluto’s galactic curling team can expect a hero’s welcome when they arrive back home next month, after clinching a decisive 90-31 victory over team Jupiter, claiming the Galactic Cup for the first time in their 314-year history.
“For a while there, there was so much cloud cover we couldn’t see what we were doing,” said B’kpto, Pluto’s captain, at a press conference aboard the International Space Station. “But in the end, our tractor beams were up to the challenge, and the rocks moved exactly the way we wanted! How’s that for a planet that’s not a planet, eh?”
Galactic curling, while massively popular off-world, has yet to catch on on Earth, due in part to the human race’s unwillingness to accept that there are other species in the universe. The last time Earth sent a team to the Galactic Cup in 1982, they were widely mocked for wearing Star Trek costumes to the playing field, and left the tournament after being crushed in two embarrassing games.
This time, however, Earth made it to the semi-finals, thanks in part to Google’s $5.3B sponsorship and donation of nuclear-powered tractor beams, which reportedly sported a revolutionary “I’m feeling lucky” feature that made it nearly impossible to lose. But before they could advance further, Earth’s dreams of the trophy were crushed, thanks to the ignorance of their fellow humans.
“There I was, about to score another 20 points, clinch the game, and this insipid little twat wanders onto the field with a notepad,” said David Blodger, 34, of New South Wales. “And right before my eyes, he tips our rock over and starts taking photos of its underbelly! I swear, I would’ve ripped his head off with the tractor beam if there hadn’t been kids watching.”
According to Galactic Cup rules, physical contact with the game pieces will result in immediate disqualification, although there has been a move to change this regulation in the wake of Venus’ stunning 1934 loss after a sandstorm on Mars tossed over 9,000 Europan Waddlefish into the air and all over the playing field.
Well, the holiday season is upon us, and that means it’s time to support the Child’s Play charity, run by the fantastic gents at Penny Arcade. Since last year’s nude tap dancing webcast was a bit of a bust [rimshot!], we here at PTTBT have decided to try a new approach for 2007: we’re going to pimp out our website.
Here’s how it works: click the button on the sidebar to donate (all proceeds go to the charity). When donating, enter a word or phrase, and then a URL you want it to link to. We will then integrate your word or phrase into the content of a story at PTTBT, and link it to the URL you provided. You buy your keywords based on frequency, at $5/use. We reserve the right to take several weeks to execute large orders, or words relating to math.
And the catch? You have to make your magic word something odd. Remember, we’re going to have to seamlessly blend it into whatever we’re writing, so if you write “spotted flamingos in heat”, that’s going to be much more painful for us than “George Bush”.
We realize this will break the semantic web, but think of the children, won’t you?
So if you’re game, clickez-vous on the donate button, and then watch us squirm.
