Universal CEO Investigated for Animal Abuse by in News / November 27th, 2007
Universal CEO Doug Morris found himself the subject of an investigation by the District Attorney’s office in Los Angeles after reports that he may have subjected his dog to cruel and inhumane conditions at the hands of an unnamed third party.
“We have mounting evidence that suggests that Mr Morris asked a cable installer to remove his dog’s kidney last summer,” said ADA Benjamin Islo at a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “The Comcast employee is cooperating with police and has surrendered his cable stripper, staple gun and twelve ethernet cords for forensic testing.”
While prosecutors declined to comment on the specifics of the case, a source inside the LAPD told PTTBT multiple witnesses are prepared to testify that they heard Morris complaining for weeks that “his dog was sick, and he didn’t know who to hire“, culminating in a shocking August afternoon that reportedly left a FedEx deliveryman and two maids into intensive psychotherapy, as the 68-year-old roamed the neighbourhood with a pair of hedge clippers, looking for someone to “do the deed”.
Morris’ attorneys were on the attack late Tuesday, defending their client against the “baseless accusations”.
“The truth of the matter is, my client didn’t know who to hire,” said Gabriel Mitz of the firm Mitz, Gilo and Moosepaw, “He wouldn’t be able to recognize a good animal-operating-individual if he saw one. Any insipid fool with a good bullshit story could have gotten past him… and tragically, in this case, one did.”
When asked why Morris did not simply visit a reputable vet to perform the surgery, Mitz replied: “Well sure, in retrospect that makes more sense. But he was in the thick of something new and unpredictable, and short of suing his local pet hospital, he did the best he could. Incidentally, he’s also suing his local pet hospital. College students are killing animals, I tell you.”
Morris’ dog has been placed with a foster family, and is expected to make a full recovery, although doctors expect his bittorrent speeds may be irreparably capped.
