Members of Pluto’s galactic curling team can expect a hero’s welcome when they arrive back home next month, after clinching a decisive 90-31 victory over team Jupiter, claiming the Galactic Cup for the first time in their 314-year history.

“For a while there, there was so much cloud cover we couldn’t see what we were doing,” said B’kpto, Pluto’s captain, at a press conference aboard the International Space Station. “But in the end, our tractor beams were up to the challenge, and the rocks moved exactly the way we wanted! How’s that for a planet that’s not a planet, eh?”

Galactic curling, while massively popular off-world, has yet to catch on on Earth, due in part to the human race’s unwillingness to accept that there are other species in the universe. The last time Earth sent a team to the Galactic Cup in 1982, they were widely mocked for wearing Star Trek costumes to the playing field, and left the tournament after being crushed in two embarrassing games.

This time, however, Earth made it to the semi-finals, thanks in part to Google’s $5.3B sponsorship and donation of nuclear-powered tractor beams, which reportedly sported a revolutionary “I’m feeling lucky” feature that made it nearly impossible to lose. But before they could advance further, Earth’s dreams of the trophy were crushed, thanks to the ignorance of their fellow humans.

“There I was, about to score another 20 points, clinch the game, and this insipid little twat wanders onto the field with a notepad,” said David Blodger, 34, of New South Wales. “And right before my eyes, he tips our rock over and starts taking photos of its underbelly! I swear, I would’ve ripped his head off with the tractor beam if there hadn’t been kids watching.”

According to Galactic Cup rules, physical contact with the game pieces will result in immediate disqualification, although there has been a move to change this regulation in the wake of Venus’ stunning 1934 loss after a sandstorm on Mars tossed over 9,000 Europan Waddlefish into the air and all over the playing field.

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