Jesuits Plan Takeover of Apple by in News / November 18th, 2007
A Jesuit order in southern California is planning a hostile takeover of Cupertino-based Apple Inc, in a bid to change the company’s materialistic influence on modern society.
“We live by a code of simplicity,” said Brother Josephus Deschennes, of the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword, “But our message of godliness is constantly undermined by the shiny baubles Steve Jobs produces. You have no idea how many recruits we’ve lost when we told them they had to leave their iPods behind.”
Deschennes’ plan involves stacking Apple with new Jesuit shareholders who will vote to oust the current board of directors and bring the company in line with Jesuit ideals of poverty, suffering and self-flagellation. When asked why the Brotherhood did not simply target Microsoft, with an operating system experience akin to flailing the skin off one’s back with a barbed whip, Deschennes plugged his ears and started chanting in Latin, explaining later it was to ward off the Devil.
This isn’t the first time the Brotherhood has tried to control Apple’s corporate direction: a previous attempt to plead their case in the late 1990s is still a sore point with Deschennes: “We sent Brother Jonathan [Ive] to convince Jobs to repent, but instead he designed the iMac. He is damned to hellfire for that, let me tell you. I don’t care how sexy it is.”
Industry watchers doubt whether the Jesuits can actually take control of Apple, with share prices approaching $200 in recent weeks.
“I mean, they live in horse-hair robes in hovels with no heat or windows. I don’t see where they’re going to get the money,” said Ivan Kerchunknik of Wilson, Kerchunknik and Probst, “If they all got together, they might be able to scrounge up enough cash to buy a single share. With a bit of begging. And luck.”
Shares of Apple were down 10% late Friday, after investors were treated to a live demonstration of the “iWhip” in Times Square, which ended with four Jesuit demonstrators being pepper sprayed by police.
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Why don’t they ask their boss in Rome for a loan. He’s got more money that Carter has Little Liver Pills! (Showing my age)