Tech columnist John C. Dvorak unveiled a new computer operating system today, as an option for users who feel shunned by Windows, Mac and Linux alternatives. Dubbed “DvorOS“, the software is built on a mixture of Assembly, AJAX and Hypercard, and can be run on any digital device from top-of-the-line Dells to rice cookers.

“When I looked at all the crap OSes out there, it made me want to vomit, frankly,” said Dvorak in a press conference from his garage, “So I hired two kids in India to build something better. And it’s the best $1.45 I ever spent, let me tell you.”

DvorOS adopts many of the most popular features of modern-day operating systems, such as a pointer-based interface, elaborate menuing system, and needless transparency and faux-reflections. At the same time, there are obvious differences in conventions: Apple’s trashcan and Microsoft’s recycle bin have been replaced with “The failed Quixotic obsessions of Steve Jobs”, with a little icon of a Power Mac G4 Cube inside a cardboard box.

Industry watchers are pessimistic about DvorOS’s chances at making inroads in the crowded operating system marketplace.

“I dunno about you, but whenever I see the letters D-V-O-R written in that order, I kinda zone out until it’s over,” said Reilly Johnson of the firm Johnson, Smoke and Donovan. “I don’t know how he’s going to get any traction when his name is in so many spam pattern matches.”

But Dvorak’s marketing plan takes customer apathy into consideration: to help promote his new OS, his slate of upcoming tech mag articles will have titles like “How Apple’s Tablet PC Bombed Before It Was Released”, and “Why Linux Zealots Make Me Sick”, but go on to tout the benefits of his alternative lifestyle. His editors at PC Magazine told PTTBT they don’t mind the deception, since by and large “readers of Dvorak columns just come to flame his article titles without reading the story anyway.”

DvorOS is available from Dvorak’s website for an introductory price of $145.99, after a 5-day trial period. The first 100 customers will also receive a complimentary copy of Dvorak’s latest book, “Why the Mac Will Be Dead In Three Years (30th Edition)”.

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