Archive for November, 2007
Video game hub IGN.com today announced they are prepared to terminate the employment of any of their regular reviewers, if it will please advertisers and convince them to launch a major campaign on the site.
“We don’t want anyone thinking we value our staff more than publishers,” said Jeremy Fulsom, VP of Client Relations for IGN, “We are fully committed to putting a positive spin on any game the industry stoops to release, no matter how lame. Why, just this morning I fired two staff members who failed to smile when I said ‘Halo 3′ to them in the hall. We’re that serious here.”
Insiders say the move comes after shareholders heard about how rival Gamespot fired an editor for giving a poor rating to the game “Kane & Lynch”. In emails leaked to PTTBT, company executives expressed frustration that their site “sucks up to game publishers so well that there’s nobody to make an example out of”, and demanded a company-wide plan to “give our writers just enough rope to hang themselves on a regular basis”.
“The industry is scrambling to catch up with this new trend,” said Marshall Newell of Yatsugi Partners, “Nobody wants to be the only publication that adheres to journalistic principles in the face of the almighty buck. The almighty buck can kick your ass like that genius monster at the end of Bioshock. What a game. If I ever have a kid, I’m going to name him Ken Levine. By the way, my site has lots of banner space!”
Still, any newcomers have their work cut out for them. Late Friday, a Gamespot spokesman announced that fired editor Jeff Gerstmann has had a hex put on him by an Egyptian shaman, and they expect his fingers will turn to sand over the weekend. In a brief statement delivered while shining the shoes of the CEO of Eidos Games, a spokesman for the gaming site told reporters: “We were going to let it go, but after we found out Jeff doesn’t like the best show on television, well, we had to damn his soul to eternal hellfire. NBC would’ve pulled their ads.”
The Canadian Pediatric Association unveiled a new campaign to educate parents across the country about the benefits of taser use for dealing with fevers in kids under 10 years of age.
“Today we are updating our recommendations to families across the country, telling them to move away from Tylenol, and instead pick up a family taser at their local pharmacy,” said CPA president Yasmine Rogers at a press conference in Calgary. “Tylenol can be dangerous, and recent studies have shown that tasers are far safer for your little darlings.”
CPA guidelines indicate that rather than risking an accidental overdose of medication, parents should deliver a 5-second shock of 75,000 volts or more every hour that a fever persists. In test cases, nearly 95% of children “immediately stopped complaining about their other symptoms”, and “fell into an unconscious state almost on the spot”. Other benefits include “a strong aversion to misbehaving” and an increased likelihood of saying “sorry” for no reason.
Critics argue recommending home tasering is wrought with dangers, and the CPA should reconsider its move.
“I don’t know that I would really trust a teenaged mother to apply the correct dosage to her kids,” said Dr Paul Green of Carleton University, “What if she’s distracted, watching the best show on television, and sets the voltage too low? What if she does it while they’re in the bath? She could really hurt herself like that. I think it’s far safer to just keep that responsibility in the hands of licensed professionals, where it’s always been.”
But the tide is already changing, says the CPA: next month, pharmaceutical products giant Johnson and Johnson will release a new range of home tasering devices under the brand “Tase Me Elmo!”, featuring the lovable Sesame Street character in the midst of a massive muscle spasm.
Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.
Environmental crusaders Greenpeace released a new round in their series of “Top 10 Polluters”, this time outlining the most dangerous artists worldwide, with fantasy author Neil Gaiman topping the list.
“While we really enjoyed Stardust this summer, it does not excuse Mr Gaiman from his sorted past as one of the world’s worst polluting artists,” said Rainbow Damacy, spokeswoman for Greenpeace at an overly-large rally in San Francisco. “If you look at this chart, you will see that he regularly employs highly toxic chemicals like determol tatamane, bi-chloric substrata and even butanic ratatolic dioximine. And that’s just before breakfast.”
Critics argue that the list, which also includes such names as James Blunt, Dorothy Parker and Michael Bay, has no basis in reality, and is merely a publicity stunt to garner headlines for the once-powerful activist group.
“I mean honestly, I don’t think Michael Bay can be considered an artist,” said Jeff Rubin of analyst firm Rubin & Dooby. “And Dorothy Parker’s not even alive anymore. I think they’re just trying to make a press release with as many famous people as they can think up. If it were real, why aren’t Oasis on there? They cause brain cancer after only two songs.”
Greenpeace denied the accusation, telling PTTBT in an email that “the science behind the list is irrefutable”, and is based on a stringent process of research and verification.
“First, we write an email that starts off ‘DEAR SCUMBAG POLLUTER’,” said a source inside Greenpeace who declined to be named, “And we demand they turn over all records of deadly chemicals they use in their day-to-day life. And like, if they don’t reply within two days, we make up a list of all the things they might be using… cause, y’know, if they’re not telling us, it must be bad, right? And then we put out a press release and see what they admit to. Some of those lists can get really scary, man. Especially if the veggie burgers in the conference room are stale.”
Environmental experts question the validity of the science behind the study, suggesting that perhaps “bi-dingolust triphate tetraoxi-dillidootyphol” is not a real chemical at all. But a Greenpeace spokesman strongly disagreed, saying: “Have you read Anansi Boys? I think it’s pretty obvious there was some kind of chemical influence there. And I want to know what it was. For… uh… science.”
Search engine giant Google told reporters today they had secured an agreement from the International Association of Lowlife Spammers (IALS) to halt all spamming activities as of January 2008, thus ending a dark chapter in the history of the internet.
“We’re pleased to announce that all spam will cease within 60 days,” said Rolf McSweeney, VP of Marketing and Spam at Google. “Citizens of the world will once again be able to check their inboxes without learning about Viagra, Nigerian royalty or penis enlargement. I mean, not necessarily. Maybe you’re on that mailing list Sergey’s always raving about…”
Sources close to the deal tell PTTBT that Google offered IALS members $575M in yearly revenue to resist the urge to send bulk mail, as well as 50GB of free GMail storage and other perks. But for weeks the talks were frozen as a faction of spammers stonewalled for more pay, ultimately resulting in a week-long lockout that saw picket signs spring up all over Mountain View, CA.
“Don’t send till they spend!” chanted Miklos Peretos, of IALS Local #044 outside the Googleplex, “I ain’t enriching anybody’s lives till they pony up more cash. You heard me, no more spammin’ till I get… hey, waitasec…”
Ultimately, a deal was reached only after the company offered IALS members first dibs on a new service known internally as “Google Insight Beta”, which allows marketers to embed obnoxious text links in the search results, emails and spreadsheets of customers. Insiders say the program uses context-sensitive natural-language parsers to ensure that each ad will be of absolutely no interest to the end user whatsoever, as well as traumatize any small children that may be in the room.
Meanwhile, Redmond-based Microsoft gave technology reporters a sneak peek at a similar project known as Microsoft Live Wrecker, which bypassed ads entirely by shipping unwanted performance-enhancing products to customers, free of charge. The service has gotten rave reviews by spam enthusiasts, not notably when the wife of a Baptist minister in Texas received a box set of gay porn DVDs addressed to her husband. Reverend James is expected to make a full recovery.
In a bid to avoid falling into the same trap that unseated previous social network phenomena, Facebook today announced the new “TMI” feature that will help users avoid embarrassing workplace situations with automated falsehoods.
“It’s never fun when you have to add your boss or co-workers as friends,” sympathized Greg Yowsie, VP of Privacy and Truth for Facebook. “What if you need to cut work to go to a wild drunken party? What if your company has a policy against corrugated cross-dressing Satan worshippers, or keeping squirrels in mayonnaise jars in your bathroom? Well thanks to the TMI system, now you can carry on your life of debauchery without anyone knowing.”
The feature, currently in closed beta testing, allows users to create “better” profiles and news feeds, which they can assign to different classes of “friends”. Co-workers can be separated from high school acquaintances or college roommates or past lovers, giving each audience segment exactly the kind of truth they want to see.
“For instance, rather than showing your boss the picture of you dressed as a pixie princess chugging two bottles of Bud Light, the TMI system will automatically create a shadow newsfeed entry that makes it appear as if you were attending a seminar on improving workplace efficiency,” explained Yowsie. “Facebook will even create fake insipidly-sweet comments on your ‘clean’ photos suggesting you made a good impression on potential clients, rather than vomiting on their shoes.”
Sources in the beta testing tell PTTBT other features include fake purchase announcements touting self-improvement books, professionally-written heartfelt wall postings wishing co-workers a happy birthday, and the automatic addition of any senior manager’s name to the list of “Favourite people” in the user’s profile.
“With the TMI system, you’ll be a better person,” said Vincent Dandruff of Excelerant Technologies, a research company in Palo Alto, “But the real fear is that people will become complacent about it, and we’ll start seeing employees coming into work drunk or stoned, thinking Facebook is rewriting reality around them to make them look respectable. Because they can’t. Only Steve Jobs does that.”
Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.
