Padding Oval Office Walls is Hard, Say Presidental Orderlies by in News / October 25th, 2007
The LA Times may have been closer to the mark than they thought when they said President George W. Bush should be put in a straightjacket … but the orderlies charged with keeping him in his “happy place” say it’s not easy keeping the leader of the free world under control.
“That thing with World War III and bombing Iran? That’s my fault,” said Tony Wilshaw, First Executive Orderly to the President. “I gave him his anti-psychotic pills in the morning but forgot to make sure he hadn’t hidden them under his tongue. Fool me once, y’know…”
Aides to the President say it’s increasingly difficult to get the business of the nation done when the walls in the Oval Office are being padded to keep Mr. Bush from hurting himself. One senior official who declined to be named told PTTBT that he couldn’t deliver the day’s security briefing before playing a round of “people pong” on the south and north walls off the room. Former Deputy Secretary of Transportation Jimmy “Rubberbutt” Wagner has been hospitalized since June after suffering a hip fracture.
There is no definitive diagnosis for what ails the President, but some members of the American Psychiatric Association have taken to calling it “Barmy Bush Disease”, with major symptoms including inability to speak clearly, delusions of grandeur, extreme paranoia, and psychotic compulsive tendencies. The recommended treatment is typically shock therapy, but officials at the APA refused comment on this story, citing Guantanamo Bay.
Still, sources inside the Office for Presidential Psychiatric Oversight claim the situation in the White House has improved greatly over the last year: “Last fall he suffered perhaps his greatest break with reality, claiming he was the King of America, and trying to launch a nuclear strike against his imagined nemesis, Skeletor”, said an aide familiar with the President’s condition. “Luckily we had the launch button removed from his desk in 2002, or Tijuana would be a smoking pile of radioactive ash right now.”
