5 Simple Tricks to Avoid Getting Sick by in Uncategorized / October 16th, 2007
It’s just about that time of year again, so we here at PTTBT thought it’d be good review some of the basic rules of how to avoid getting sick during flu season. If some of these weren’t obvious to you, you might want to go buy NyQuil now, cause you’re hopeless.
1. Wash Your Hands
Read this vital article about proper hand-washing, and practice it religiously. Carry anti-bacterial spray wherever you go, and right after shaking someone’s hand, spray both your palms and rub them together for at least 2 minutes in absolute silence (whispering to yourself is okay too). It’s not generally known, but 99.5% of all deadly bacteria in the world live on your hands (yes yours, don’t try and pass the blame, buddy), and the only way to keep them at bay is to clean them out like Microsoft Windows Defender kills viru… er… never mind.
2. Stop Making Out With Sick People
This is especially important if your significant other isn’t sick at the time. The easiest way to catch something nasty is to DO something nasty with someone dripping mucus from various areas of their body. Common diseases like Rhubarb Syndrome, Lasseter’s Finger Rot and Orang-utan Flu are all easily transmitted by mouth-to-orifice contact. If the person you’re about to smooch has a mini-pack of tissues in the pocket, stop drop and roll, my friend. Stop, drop and roll.
3. Wear Appropriate Clothing
If you’re going to the opera and it’s near-freezing outside, don’t wear a t-shirt and Hawaiian shorts on your way there. It’s freezing, you idiot! When your body is exposed to low temperatures without proper cover, it becomes worn and stressed and begins doing silly things like hooking up with perfect strangers it met over the internet for Pictionary parties, which typically degrade into drinking contests where everyone loses. Instead, throw on a tux for when you’re riding the bus, and switch into your more festive attire in the opera house washrooms. A little common sense goes a long way.
4. Pre-emptively Self-Medicate
Germs hate medicine like NyQuil or NeoCitran because they make you dizzy and happy (germs like misery and anguish, you may have noticed). The best way to keep germs away is to drink at least half a bottle of highly drowsy medication once a day (double-dose on Mondays, half-dose on Fridays and weekends), topped off with strong scotch or Newfoundland’s famous Screech. You’ll know you’ve got it right when the walls start dripping. Some may call this “addiction”, but those people are generally crabby because they’re not trippin’ on candy-flavoured goodness.
5. Don’t Go Outside
The majority of germs in the world exist outside, which is why it’s absolutely vital that you not leave your home. Build an airlock around your front door, and be sure that any pizza or raw produce coming into your home is sprayed heavily with antibacterial mist (don’t worry, ingesting large quantities of the spray is actually good for your digestive tract… makes it tougher and less of a pansy-ass). If you have extremely persistent friends or family who attempt to come inside your “clean room”, simply start screaming hysterically and curl into a ball and roll around on the floor until they go away. You can’t trust them, no matter how nice they seem: they’re vessels for disease, and they must be kept out.
Hopefully, with these simple tricks at your disposal, you’ll be safe this flu season. Unlike us here at PTTBT, who have spent the last 20 hours praying for death as a mystery illness devours our soul and leaves us empty shells of rot and festering mortality. Damn you, Rita the cleaning lady!
The next few days may be light, FYI.
Tags: sick
October 18th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
It’s a good list – except for number 3 – Being cold (even miserably wet and cold) has absolutely no relevance to one getting sick. It doesn’t even diminish your immune system. In fact, being outside and cold is much better than inside and warm if the inside air is shared by many people and has limited circulation!
December 17th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
this is so fucking stupid you need to get a life